Muddle, I feel for you. I know our side of this is confusing as hell and I feel a lot of what you're feeling right now. I am blamed for everything too and don't know for sure if my "validation" of her feelings helps or hurts. What I do know is that while I may not be becoming the perfect husband, I am becoming more like the man I want to be. The problem is that we all start this DB process believing that our W's really loved who we WERE before years of marriage, stress, kids, etc, changed us. We feel that when we achieve that holy grail of regression back to the "men we once were" they will see this and return to our open, and likely bulked arms (because we ALL go back to the gym, don't we, lol).
The sad fact is that the men we want to be MAY not be the man they want, especially if they actually WANT someone who is weak and unsure of themselves. I don't think ANYONE really wants that, but I do think that sometimes THEY THINK they do and that's enough for them to lash out at us when they see our strength returning.
We try SO hard to be these independent, validating men, assuming that the OM's are everything that we're not, or WEREN'T in the latter parts of our marriages. I think it's closer to the truth to say that the OM's are just more like what our W's THINK they want but not necessarily better men at all. After all, they have one fatal character flaw...they need to be with a married woman...
Keep your chin up and maybe someday you'll get your chance to set her straight, either through words or actions. You ARE NOT to blame for all this, no matter what she says. You know that and so do I...now we just have to work on her!
