Alright, I had a sorta rough one last night/this morning: I got home to find my W standing at the calendar, with the IM screen open, so she was talking to my cousin. I could tell from the way she was counting days on the calendar, or rather I assumed, that she was checking to make sure she wouldn't have her period on a certain week they were trying to plan for. This got me a bit and I said kind of sarcasticly "let me guess what you're doing" and then quickly caught myself and backed off. I didn't want to get into it, but I let myself react emotionally. It kind of stuck with me for the rest of the evening. I was exhausted to begin with, so I did have that as an excuse for behaving a little differently. I didn't allow myself to be hurt or to dwell in it like I have in the past - and I certainly didn't want to address what I was thinking with my W, even though she tried to ask me a couple of times.
Anyway, today is our son's 4th birthday, so last night I ran around trying to find streamers, etc. We were sitting upstairs watching TV when my W decided to run down and get the laundry. I finished what I was doing, and then grabbed the streamers, thinking that I would get a headstart putting them up, and blowing up balloons. Well, I got downstairs and she was on the computer, typing an email. She got annoyed, telling me that I followed her down there. I validated her feelings, and told her that I wasn't down there because of her - and then left her alone to finish. This annoyed me a bit because had she been doing what she said she was down there to do, it wouldn't have made the slightest difference to her if I came down - but because she lied to me and then expected me to know and respect her space, I'm somehow to blame for making her uncomfortable. I know that's all her, guilt, shame and discomfort - and I tried to assure her that I understood her frustration, and that it felt like I followed her down there. Anyway, fast forward to this morning - I got up late, turned off the alarm, didn't make it to the gym (which is ok this morning because I have a bit of an injury that could use a little more rest - I'll go tonight). Our son came into our bed and she was still trying to sleep. I turned the TV on for our son, made some coffee and went downstairs to check email. After coming back up, W was angry and talking about how self centered I am, that I got up late and I only did for myself - I usually at least make our son's bed and I hadn't even done that. She kept telling me that I was down there for 20 minutes - no way - and that on our son's birthday I should have been doing this, or should have been doing that. I tried to be upbeat and not argue with her - I've been doing this since this all started, so we have these one sided arguments - especially since I don't think there's any good reason for doing this in front of our son. I mentioned that it probably wasn't the best idea to be having this conversation in front of him, and her reaction was "I wouldn't be like this if you hadn't done. . ." Man, if only I could make her feel good things these days, lol. She even made a point of saying that she really didn't like me. So we had a sort of interesting morning - things did go over ok, and our son was really happy, but I just got such a nasty feeling from her lack of self control, and my lack of ability to stop the conversation from continuing in the vein it was in. I know appeasing her doesn't work, but what other option do I have? I guess this really is a somewhat subtle way of trying to control my W's behavior?

I know this whole process is about finding myself and becoming the person that I think I should be, becoming a husband that lives and acts like I should. In saying this, I know that I'm the only one who can determine how this should look, and whether I'm on track meeting my goals or not. I just wish that some of the feedback I got from my W reinforced my feeling that I'm making progress. I feel that we are further and further away. I remember in the first weeks when this all came out how close we still were - she even slept with her arms around me. Now she doesn't want to even come close. I know I can't use her actions as a way to measure progress, but I can't help feeling like I'm doing something wrong at all times when I'm around her.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein