Quote: A couple of things - about the responsibility for the R, now that my W has "checked out" and wants nothing more than for me to agree to separate, the entire R is in my hands, so to speak. I guess this is what I'm getting at.
That what she SAYS she wants RIGHT NOW. That COULD change sometime in the future, I've seen it happen MANY times. So, while I agree, the life line of the R is likely in your hands right now, that doesn't mean that it's all your responsibility. I know it feels that way much of the time, and I feel that way too. Just realize that it CAN'T be your responsibility 100% because you can't control her part of it, and thus can't really take responsibility for her or her actions towards (or away from) the R.
Quote: Another thing she blames me for is that by "holding on" to the R, I'm keeping her captive. Even though I tell her she's free to do what she wants, it's her life, I'm not going to interfere, etc., I'm still imposing my will on her. I guess you see what you want to see.
To me this is all about the fact that she still feels a certain amount of codependency towards you and by you still clinging to hope, it somehow obligates her to at least run a little slower, take a look back every now and then. Like you said, she will see what she wants to see.
Quote: As for detachment - I know what you mean, and this is what it means to me, but to someone who is used to getting certain cues that have now ceased, it may look very different. These changes are noticable, and to someone who is used to having her emotional whims reacted to in clear and finite ways who is no longer experiencing this, it could feel like the other person no longer cares the same way.
Amen, but realize that sometimes we LBS's place WAY too much value, in terms of how the WAS look at us, on WHAT we do for them and not nearly enough on WHO we are. It's part of not feeling we're worth love on our own merits and that we have to DO something in order to earn her love. I know I felt this way, and still do to a certain extent.
When you look at it from her perspective, or at least when I look at things from my W's perspective, I see that she doesn't feel that need to DO anything to get something from me. She accepts that she's worth the "love" I give her without having to constantly earn it. It's a fine line between being selfish and knowing you deserved to be loved and "done for". I am like you and constantly DO (or used to anyway) for my W without much in return. I never thought much of it, but I do now.
As you said, your W is now seeing you slow down, or stop some of that, and she WILL feel like you somehow stopped caring. I know for me, this is a big thing, so I think it's ok (maybe I am dead wrong here) to simply tell her why you are doing what you are doing and that it's just to preserve your emotional health and respect HER boundaries of not being in the kind of R that such things are done. I'm assuming that there are things SHE no longer does for you as a result of the state of your R, right. Same thing.
Quote: She has been saying that I don't listen to her, that I don't care about her feelings since this all started.
To me, this may be equal parts looking for validation (maybe do more of this) and more of that "if you loved me, you'd leave me now" crap I taked about before...except for her, it's not crap.
Quote: To remove my responsibility for getting things done for my W is to truly respect her - BUT is it treating her like a child? She has this hang up that I treat her like a child, and therefore it's difficult, if not impossible to be lovers, because she views me like her father. I know this is her issue, and I also know that at the moment, she doesn't want to resolve it - it's just more fodder for this situation - but I don't want to play into it any more than I do naturally.
Again, same issues with my W though I don't really see how pulling back from "taking care" of her considering the sitch is treating her like a child. I see the opposite as true. Letting her be her own woman, and letting go enough so she feels 100% of the responsibility for her life is treating her like an adult.
The bottom line is that your "treatment" of her should no longer be the issue if she is truly out of the R, right? Why should she care how you "treat" her or what you "allow" in terms of her life and decisions? If she is truly "detaching" from YOU, then why so much concern from her?
My point is that as long as she continues to give you credit/blame for things in her life, she is still IN your life. Someday she'll figure out that you no more control her, nor WANT to, than she controls you. THEN you can make some real progress.
