Quote: t just occurred to me that one of the obvious things in our relationship that I recognized early on in this whole process was that I tend to take responsibility for things regardless of whether or not I am objectively responsible. I tend to placate my W by saying sorry for something I may or may not have had a whole lot of responsibility for - and I may not have felt sorry for it either. I have recently stopped apologizing for things that I'm not really sorry about - so I think that might qualify as a 180 - but I'm not sure if the overall idea of me taking responsibility for the entire R as seems to be the case these days is more of the same.
I do the same thing, and also am trying to stop. It's all part of being codependent. I used to say I was sorry for damn near everything. The sun could set a few minutes early and cause W to be a little sad and I'd apologize for it as if I made a call to God and arranged for it myself. It's stupid and it had to stop. I'm right there with you.
In terms of the R, I don't think I or anyone else has ever suggested you take responsibility for the entire R, or really, the bad parts as I'm sure you mean. You just learn MUCH more about what you ARE responsible for and then answer to yourself for those things. I don't think it's nearly as important that you confess your sins to her as it is to purge them from yourself.
Quote: I didn't apologize for this, because in my mind I am perfectly comfortable bringing the stuff with us without notice. So, even though I'm feeding into her idea that I'm a stupid, thoughtless person, do you think the fact that I'm not accepting more responsibility than I see fit is of any significance?
If you are being "stupid and thoughtless" then stop. If you are not, then don't apologize for her perception that you are. Let your actions speak for you and if she can't hear, then let her take the blame for having a hearing problem.
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I guess ultimately this is something that detachment will hopefully achieve for us: once our S perceives that we have stopped caring so much about the R, they will (hopefully) begin to start caring more. Not sure if I'm trying to make something fit here that doesn't quit
I disagree. Detachment, LOVING detachment that has NOTHING to do with physical or emotional distance, is all about us finally being US AND being close to them. Passionate Marrigage describes this as differentiation and really I think it's interchangable with detachment for our purposes.
The goal in each case is to allow us to function in a close, emotional relationship and remain independant. In the case of detachment, as I think we should use it, that means learning to stop reacting to their negative "stuff" and just be comfortable with who we are, what we do, and our own emotional state of being. Right now, most of us are totally influenced by our spouses emotional whims and it's causing us great harm.
So, no, I don't think we give them the impression that we don't care about the R anymore. We give them the impression that we are not dependant on them anymore and are capable of first loving ourselves, and then STILL loving them. We let them know that while we DO love them, and DO want the marriage to work, that we don't NEED that like we need air to breathe or water to drink. We WANT them in a way only a person who truly knows what they want can.
Muddle, it is REALLY hard for me to do all this but I am starting to understand that I have lived very little of my life for me, and in living for others, I have never really truly given of myself. I have never really had a "self" to give, and that's what I am trying to get through all this...and then learn to give of it freely, without obligation, out of love alone.
