Ok, the blame things was more about what I can do to change the dynamic of the relationship, using her "input" but without directly talking about anything. I don't intend to do anything here to get a direct response from her in the sense that I'm taking responsibility for problems, but rather I'm trying to discern where I can effectively take responsibility for making a positive change in the M.
It just occurred to me that one of the obvious things in our relationship that I recognized early on in this whole process was that I tend to take responsibility for things regardless of whether or not I am objectively responsible. I tend to placate my W by saying sorry for something I may or may not have had a whole lot of responsibility for - and I may not have felt sorry for it either. I have recently stopped apologizing for things that I'm not really sorry about - so I think that might qualify as a 180 - but I'm not sure if the overall idea of me taking responsibility for the entire R as seems to be the case these days is more of the same.

Today my W asked me if I had talked to the teacher at our son's preschool about his birthday on Wednesday. I hadn't, because I just planned to bring the cupcakes and goody bags in, what's there to talk about? Well, she got upset because she would have felt more comfortable if we were sure that it would be ok, but had never mentioned that she wanted me to talk to the teachers. I didn't apologize for this, because in my mind I am perfectly comfortable bringing the stuff with us without notice. So, even though I'm feeding into her idea that I'm a stupid, thoughtless person, do you think the fact that I'm not accepting more responsibility than I see fit is of any significance?

I guess ultimately this is something that detachment will hopefully achieve for us: once our S perceives that we have stopped caring so much about the R, they will (hopefully) begin to start caring more. Not sure if I'm trying to make something fit here that doesn't quite.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein