Quote: I have come to realize recently that a big part of the problem in my R - and maybe yours too GH - is that I always thought in a good R you allowed yourself to be totally vulnerable with your S. You let down all your walls and shared at the deepest level. I know that I'm a strong person, that I've been a strong person. I think it proves a certain level of security to open up and express insecurity. But for my W, who often only sees the part of me that is vulnerable and insecure, doesn't get to see the decisive, strong willed person enough.
I think this is true, although I have expressed it a bit differently. For me, this has always taken the form of me always complaining about things, say at work or elsewhere, talking bad about people when I was frustrated with them and looking to her for help making decisions. So what was the end picture she got of me over the years? Well, duh. She saw an indecisive, unhappy man who disliked just about everyone he knew, probably even her. Gee, who woulda thunk it?
Of course, this realization (which BTW, she TRIED to tell me about long ago, befoe all this) came as a shock to me because I have a TON of people who I like, am happy most of the time and make several tough decisions a day on my own. Ah, but do I ever talk about all that? Nope. I guess my beleif in being open and "deep" with her only applied to the negative things in my life. What's worse is that when I tried to say things were different, it sounded like I was being defensive...well, I guess I was.
Quote: I recognize the need to detach and be more of an individual, but I do feel that one of the most fulfilling parts of our M is the fact that we have always been able to talk about anything. To choose to stop doing so is difficult.
Again, I had to choose not necessarily to stop talking to her about things, but to make sure to include a LOT of positive things and not so much negative, indecisive stuff.
Quote: In fact, my W has told me that she feels I'm being somewhat two faced with her by not telling her everything that's on my mind - feeling that I'm telling her one thing and thinking another. This might just be her desire to control the situation though.
Yea, I've heard this, but you know what, I had to learn not to care what she thoght in this respect. I figured out that she was just as likely to get angry, upset, or say I was "hiding things" if I was or wasn't telling her everything. In my current sitch, I try to make it a point to be open and direct with her, but earlier in the sitch, there just were things better left unsaid, from BOTH of us.
So, like I said, I had to really learn that the "rightness" of what I am saying has NOTHING to do with what she thinks about it, or how it makes her feel.
Quote: It's difficult to weed out what is in my power to change and control and what's not, especially while my W is blaming me for everything. I don't want to be defensive and not take responsibility for things I should and can change, but I also don't want to take responsibility for what is not truly mine.
Responsibility, especially in the respect of a marriage of TWO people, is in the eye of the beholder. You accepting or denying responsibility is probably not going to make a damn bit of difference to HER, and her accusing you of being responsible for something you don't feel responsible for is likely going have a similar effect on YOU.
It doesn't really matter because in the end, the marriage is the responsibility of BOTH of you and blame is not really productive. Open, honest, deep, sensitive communication is not about blame as it is feeling safe to disclose and disagree in a relationship. Blame does not really help accomplish that...IMHO.
