Yes, yes, yes - you're exactly right. I have been SAYING all the right things to my W - she acknowledges that I talk the talk, but I haven't exactly followed through with my actions. I think this is her biggest complaint. I am trying to address this, for my own sake.
I have come to realize recently that a big part of the problem in my R - and maybe yours too GH - is that I always thought in a good R you allowed yourself to be totally vulnerable with your S. You let down all your walls and shared at the deepest level. I know that I'm a strong person, that I've been a strong person. I think it proves a certain level of security to open up and express insecurity. But for my W, who often only sees the part of me that is vulnerable and insecure, doesn't get to see the decisive, strong willed person enough. I think a big part of this comes from being too open about ourselves. I recognize the need to detach and be more of an individual, but I do feel that one of the most fulfilling parts of our M is the fact that we have always been able to talk about anything. To choose to stop doing so is difficult. In fact, my W has told me that she feels I'm being somewhat two faced with her by not telling her everything that's on my mind - feeling that I'm telling her one thing and thinking another. This might just be her desire to control the situation though. Regarding telling my wife how to fix her life: I don't do this, I simply told her that I thought if she worked on this she might feel differently about things. I certainly didn't and don't get into details about what or how things could be fixed.

And of course you're right in your last lines - if I'm truly doing any self-improvement for myself, then I need not worry about what she thinks, and my actions will prove this. It's difficult to weed out what is in my power to change and control and what's not, especially while my W is blaming me for everything. I don't want to be defensive and not take responsibility for things I should and can change, but I also don't want to take responsibility for what is not truly mine.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein