Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

I've been feeling liberated ever since I had the conversation with my W that I did yesterday. I had a long conversation with my Ws good friend last night, and it was amazing - I felt like I was talking to my W. She had all the justification for everything down pat, and she sounded like she believed in the fantasy too. I actually really enjoyed the conversation because I could respond to things in a more open and honest way than in the past when talking to my W. It was amazing because I was accused of enabling my W's behavior - pre-A - that lead to her maintaining her depression. I don't know how I really feel about the enabling thing, because I don't know much of anything about it. But I responded by telling her that I felt she was insulting my W by saying that I should have made her someone better than she is now. She responded by agreeing that I should have. I told her that my W is responsible for her life, and who she is. She's not someone that I control, or have controlled, and she is where she is because of decisions that she made. I may have supported her decisions, but I didn't force her into them. After hours of this talk, I felt that I had given her my honest perspective on my part in the situation and my intentions. I was not judgemental of my W, at least not to a large extent, but rather I felt I defended her. She did, after all, start the conversation under the guise that she wanted to be there for me - but her intention was to convince me that I was fighting a losing battle and that I was wrong. I listened intently to everything she said and simply, clearly and passionately told her where I was. In the end, my W this afternoon at lunch told me I was crazy, that I lived in a dream world and that I was delusional. I guess some of what we talked about last night got relayed to her - no doubt in the most manipulative way possible. I got a laugh out of that and made a little joke out of it.