I thought that I had understood that she wasn't doing anything to me - in fact I said this to her months ago - but implementing change, turning knowledge into action has always been a weak point for me. You're absolutely right that I want my W to WANT to be with me. I did the same thing in my M you did, just accepted that we were M and never thought about working at it (I always thought our expectations were realistic and the really good aspects of our R outweighed the bad), or never really thought it was something that either of us could want or want out of. This is my wake-up call, and the most tragic thing in all of this is that I never saw this until it was too late. Sure, there were signs that my W wasn't all that happy, but I always attributed it to something else. We always thought we had something special, something unique together, and now my W has opened her eyes and realized a lot was wrong, and it has been for some time. The empowering thing is recognizing the same thing, just approaching it from a different angle.
I have read too often that all the justifying a WAS does will allow them to recreate the M, to reframe it in a different light - one that allows them to continue in their path. I think this allowed me to dehumanize my W, to think of her as crazy - in fact, she told me that I made her think she was crazy. In some ways I think she is - or rather her decisions are. The idea that smashing up the A will leave the WAS with little option other than reconciliation was something hard to overcome. I have no doubt that unless the WAS WANTS to work on the M, there's little to no benefit to them returning - because there will likely be that much more resentment piled onto whatever issues there were beforehand.
I guess now I'm truly starting to accept the situation for what it is, and it scares me to death, but yet I have a certain peace and calm in my resolve. I hear what my W says about me and the M and I understand that it is her reality. Just because my perspective is different doesn't make her wrong. I think I've begun to believe this and it is somehow empowering to know this, to validate it and to accept it and still believe in my positive outlook. The fear that's there, attributable to what's at stake, is something I can control, but it's also important to acknowledge for me because it ceases to be such a motivating factor once it is accepted.
Now, the next thing that I'm concerned about is that I have made it very clear to my W that I am going to stick this out and it will be her decision. Michele talks about the fact that when you have 1 ambivalent partner, if the other is stuck hard and fast on the idea of fixing everything and is consistently optimistic, then the ambivalent one tends to give up on what hope they did have. I don't want to cause this dynamic, but I have a feeling that I've set it up to some degree. I have voiced that I don't know if it will work, and that my W may well be right that we aren't good for each other, but I'm holding my ground. I guess from here on out, I have to keep my mouth shut and maintain my optimism for myself, and myself only.
Ok, enough rambling . . .
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
