You know what? Sometimes when I disagree with someone the most in these sitches, it's because they spend SO much time and energy focused on what their WAS is DOING TO THEM. Sometimes I don't see that as the issue, but I always feel it. I rebel against that SO hard because I realized early on in my sitch that my W did not EVER get the respect she deserved from me and my "letting her go" was the ultimate, and maybe the last, way I could give her that.
I am really glad you came to that point in your sitch. I know not everyone can get there, nor should they. It's not the right thing to do for everyone, but for me, and maybe now you, it IS the right thing to do.
By letting go of the "look what you're doing to me" part, you are finally getting the point that she isn't doing ANYTHING TO YOU, merely choosing a path that is different from the one you would like. That sucks for sure, but it really opens our eyes to the idea that for the most part, marriage vows or not, well adjusted (not to say W is or is not), or really, self-aware, self-confident people need to WANT to do something and usually compelling them to do so will backfire.
I know for me, this was a HUGE revelation. I always thought "well, we're married so I don't really have to worry about anything anymore." and I let my body, mind and passion go out the window. I KNOW where I went wrong and I am on the path to trying to get my W to WANT to be with me again. I think this is where you are too.
As you can tell, things are not over between you and W, and this step, finally letting her go, may be the thing that helps more than hurt, and BTW, had I known you were going to say these things, and that you had not said them before, I would probably have agreed with the talk.
I think you did fine, just now comes the equally hard work of following through, letting go and grabbing hold of yourself in the process.
