Ok, it's another day, and a renewed perspective. I have found myself in a part of the emotional cycle I have been in since this started - and I don't want to be there. The past few days I have been entirely too fixated on this A in a negative way and, while I KNOW how to get off this wheel, I haven't implemented this in a disciplined, effective way, the way I HAVE succeeded with certain other things since this started. It's clear to me that my biggest struggle in life seems to be with complacency - and I have started to feel this way emotionally because I have again become somewhat complacent, feeling that I have made changes and that the problems all lie within my W. This is exactly the sort of thinking that makes me the victim, and makes me feel entitled and makes me resentful. If the dynamic in my R is to change I need to be the one to change, and boy is this HARD.
I guess I haven't truly accepted that I can have no control over what my W is doing, and that's what's keeping me on this wheel - in a sense keeping HER in control by fulfilling her expectations that I'm too passive and I'm not worthy of her respect and/or love.
The A is simply dealt with - I am not going to stop it. I can't. There's no sense trying to understand it more deeply than I have. What I have tried to understand in the name of empathy and understanding also in some way is my attempt at control and being able to fix my W, tell her where her thinking is wrong. I am not able to do so, so where's the benefit in trying? As far as our relationship goes, I am not going to initiate any measures to dissolve it as a result of the A, if she wants to leave, she's free to do so. In the mean time, I'm going to shift my whole focus - not just what shows to my W and others - onto myself and my life.
So - goals:
Being healthy - I have already quit smoking (2+ months, cold turkey, no weight gain) and have been working out religiously.
Being a better dad - I have been focusing on reading more about discipline (GREAT book if you have preschoolers: "How To Behave SO Your Preschooler Will Too!" - kind of in line with DB), but I need to work harder to be 100% there with him while I'm spending time with him. Actually, this is the central to almost all of my goals. I need to compartmentalize all of this pain and put it out of the way while I focus on what I need to do. Work, play, etc.
Sounds kind of stupid putting this down in print - I felt like I was doing all of this already, and I guess I had enough "points" I could make to satisfy myself on a superficial level - but now I'm aware that I have so much farther to go. I guess I haven't really fully accepted that this is a lifelong process now - not a goal I can accomplish. . .
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
