Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks guys - so little of this makes sense to me, so with the little bit of information you guys get to make judgements on, it's almost impossible to get anywhere. It's interesting, the whole "fight for me" thing, because I have written to my cousin, I have tried to get him to understand that what he's doing is destroying our family. So in this sense I have fought for her. In these cases she has always told me that if this A ends because of something I do, she will never forgive me. So then, what exactly is fighting for her?

I understand, GH, what you are talking about regarding impulsive ultimatums driven by angry desperation - I have to say that I have resisted these from the start. I have not acted out of anger (passive aggressive comments, maybe) this whole time. It took me quite a while to express my boundary, I mean through a couple weeks of conversations, and I didn't do this without a great deal of thought - certainly not an angry reaction.

You know, I can't help feeling that this is really some kind of testing, a powerstruggle to see just how far I can be pushed. I think she changes her perspective too often for this to be a genuine decision - that she thinks things are over. I read something last night that made me feel that anything I can do to prevent them from turning this into a PA I should do. The fact that most Ms in which the W has BOTH strong feelings and has had sex are not often recovered. I'm now debating writing a letter to my cousin - who I know "doesn't want to destroy our family or marriage" - copying his parents and other people challenging him to take responsibility for doing just that. I don't know if it will be in any way effective, but it will really challenge any conscience he has left.

Also - in answer to your questions about the details of my boundary: I told her that I do not want to separate, that I don't see separation as the first step towards divorce, but rather as a time for space and reflection. I didn't want it to be a threat in any way. I wanted to show her that I was not willing to keep going the way we were going if she overstepped that boundary. I don't think there's any reason for me to waver on this. It's going to be incredibly difficult for us to separate because we are basically living check to check and there's no way we can afford this apartment on my income alone - not to mention another place to live. But, my W has said that she feels that the only way she can really re-commit to this M is if we were to separate, because only then does she feel that she really had the choice. As I told her, I don't want to separate - but I will, and I do think there could be some value to it.

Anyway - thanks for your comments - it always helps to get a different perspective on all that's churning away. . .