Actually, maybe I disagreed with you before, but I do not now.
Quote: I will say it again at the risk of unintentionally inviting a lot of angry replies, but I think the standard DB approach comes off as too passive and weak for some walk-away spouses, especially ones that, despite their intelligence, harbor immature, cartoonish notions of what it means to "fight for" someone.
I agree with this, at least in that you say for SOME WAS it is too passive. I have always said that SOME sitches are different and maybe DB is not for them. Maybe this is one.
The only thing I usually point out is that in the majority of the cases where DB doesn't work, or seems too passive (and no, RC, I am NOT saying this is you), it is not being applied with consistancy or even correctly. ANY method of dealing with this kind of sitch can be seen as passive, i.e.
"That's it b!tch, get the f--k out NOW! If you are going to be with him, you can be with me."
That would be seen as anything BUT passive, right?
(two weeks later)
"Honey, I was wrong, I love you and think we can work this out given some time and space. Please come home"
Oops, the ultimatum didn't work and now he realizes that something different may need to be done because after all, he REALLY wants his W back more than anything.
I see this kind of thing ALL THE TIME, especially from men. We tend to get that "f-you" attitude when things first come to light, we set ultimatums and then realize that the sitch is not changed in a way that we like and try something different.
All I am in favor of is maintaining consistancy. I think RC is doing that, and in this, he is being strong. He established a boundary and is sticking to it. I may agree that it might not have been the best boundary in terms of successfully saving his marriage, but you know what, I am not RC, and I don't know what his sitch needs to be like in order for him to feel comfortable.
Quote:
I can't remember whether you explained the details of your boundary. Did you tell her "we're through" if she goes on the trip with OM, or did you simply tell her you were going to remove yourself from the situation, which without more only suggests you're going to live separately during this experimental phase? I'm not sure you lose much consistency if it's the former and you now tell her that after much serious thought you've decided that you aren't going to immediately seek divorce if she goes on the trip with OM, but you are going to remove yourself through a trial separation--one that is both physical and financial.
I agree with this. The bottom line is that I think there IS a way for RC to change his mind and save face. In the end, I think you do all you can, within your personal limits, to try to save your marriage. If that means losing some face, then so be it.
In the end, this idea of passiveness, especially from the men in these sitches, is a touchy one, I have always agreed with that. As I said before, I am one of those whose wife said I was too passive. She no longer says that. She recognizes the strength it takes to deal with what I dealt with in the WAY I did. Maybe I am just lucky to have a W that can see that.
Oh, BTW, I DID offer to kick his a$$ at one point, lol. Maybe that did the trick...
Anyway, RC, I applaud you for trying to remain consistant. Just make sure you don't cut off your nose to spite your face to do it.
