OK, I'll reply here instead of continuing to hijack mama's thread. I know I got some really good advice there about validation - it's always taken me some time to implement stuff that I "understand" properly, and I think you may both be right that I do need to work on not coming off as insincere.
On another note (to do a bit of journaling that I haven't really had the chance to do yet) - I realized a bit the past couple of days how this boundary I was talking about earlier is hurting the situation (from one perspective). The past couple days, the venomous comments have been increasing to the point where my traits are being pointed out as things W hates, not just actions and things I have control over. Not more than 2 weeks ago she was talking about how there's this really strong loving bond between us and how she doesn't want to dissolve our M (a conversation that turned around to her trying to get me to "allow" her to go to Europe and "find out" if there was something there - so she can move forward one way or another). It's really scary to see these moments of clarity quickly overtaken by the desire and lust that's been fueling all of this. Anyway, since then she's taken more of a position that our M is over - in fact she asked me last night why I couldn't accept that our M is over, that it's too late to fix anything. I know that this line of thinking is because she's deep into trying to plan to meet OP (she has a friend who is validating this whole thing and planning to join her - which sickens me when she's around) and is frustrated by how this is all proceeding. I guess this either/or situation reinforced by the boundary is causing her to really dig deep to justify going, and the venom just pours forth.
So, I can see where it might be far better to not have put this boundary out there because she might be somehow still trying to have both worlds while going through this. But I have chosen a certain path, and I need to remain consistent, not allow my actions and intents to be dictated by her attempts at manipulation. I have no regrets, and I need to maintain my positive, optimistic outlook (even though this post sounds somewhat regretful, right?)
I guess I'm just venting a bit here, because I'm starting to feel like I'm hitting up against more obstacles in the past couple of days. Her C apparently validated her feeling that the A was a seperate issue than the problems in our M, which allows her to compartmentalize things, and justify things. Her friend is supporting, and even pushing her - I think. I know that she alone is responsible for what she does, but the more validation she has, the longer I see this being dragged out.
Ok, ok - too much focus on the A. It's difficult though, because a lot of our interactions recently are about it. It's my W's entire life and world - hardly anything exists outside it, so she always wants to talk about it. I do my thing, and I never bring it up - but I think she's getting to a boiling point here. The thing about this whole drama is that I feel that it's FAR more unrealistic and fantastic than many other people's sitches - family/distance/he just bought a house out there/we have a child so she can't go there. I guess none of that has any bearing on emotions.
Oh, and another thing. I keep telling her that I don't want to talk about the A, because it's not the problem to me - but she thinks that I'm in denial because I won't accept it. I do accept it, but I don't live my life around it and it is her issue alone to address. I feel like in some way she wants me to react to this all in a different way - because I think on some level she thinks I'm being apathetic to this (and passivity is something that she sees as a problem in me) in just ignoring it and thinking it will run its course. I KNOW I'm not doing this, and the changes in my life speak to that, so I'm not too concerned - but she was a bit drunk a few nights ago and told me that she wants to see me fight for her in some way. I know that I am - but I think she needs to know it, and there's no way to really fight for her without fighting against her, is there?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
