This is not to say that Michele's books didn't help me in many other constructive ways, it's just that I think you have to carefully apply the information to your own situation, consider other sources of information, and accept the fact that whatever you do may not in the end change whether your marriage survives or dies.
This about says it all. I think, as I have said MANY times that you DO need to read all you can and consider many sources BUT, when it comes time for action, and DB IS ACTION, you need to make sure that you aren't constantly flip-flopping between ultimatums and being "passive" as you say. If there is one common problem I see here MUCH more than people being doormats, it's that they don't stay on ANY path for more than a couple days, let alone enough time for anything positive to happen because of their ACTIONS.
It's WAY too late for a debate but I have a little more in me. Suffice it to say that I am probably one of those "DB" junkies and I have not lived one day as a doormat. I have had a REALLY positive experience following the DB ways of doing this and my W WAS one of those that said she wanted me to be more assertive and stand up for myself. She has since admitted that what she's seen me do, pull back my emotions, STOP talking all the time, and just DO what I NEEDED to do for ME, has impressed her much more than constantly ranting and raving. She has also said that if I "laid down the law" so to speak and made a bunch of ultimatums instead of taking the approach I did, she would have been gone long ago. Point is that DB/DR works for me and one thing it has done for me is given me the tools to take control over MY life and that to me is what being assertive and "in control", that women seem to like, is all about. I am a man in charge of his own life, and that is something that will NEVER be taken away from me again.
So, will my marriage survive? I don't know, but what I do know is that it stands a much better chance of it now, after DB, than before, or without DB. I am a MUCH stronger man now, and that's all through the "passive" DB ideas that I started down this path following. I also know that I am a HELL of a lot closer to a reconciled marriage now that I was 6 months ago...4 1/2 of which my W continued the affair. Call me a doormat, call me what you will but I KNOW the strength and ACTION it took me to get to this point and I sure as hell would rather have people judge me "soft" and have a marriage than be branded a "real man" and not have my marriage. I am totally secure in the man I am and really don't care much about what someone thinks of my methods. That is NOT something I could have said 6 months...or even 6 years ago.
In the end, this "passive" label you put on DB is really just another way of saying that we accept that we have no control, nor do we WANT control over our spouses. I want my W to be with me because she WANTS to be, not because I threatened her with a bitter divorce, seperation, custody battle or financial hardship. If that is passive, then I am Ghandi.
I am 100% sure that DB will NOT work for every situation in terms of saving the marriage and I am also 100% sure that SOME marriages may be saved by heavy handed tactics. It's up to each individual to decide what path is right for them.
