Muddle's Muddy Waters

[MuddleThrough]

Alright, well I’ve gotten myself into a bit more muddy water in the past few weeks. First a little background on my sitch, as it’s been a long while since I posted:
My W, 28 is having an EA with my cousin, 31, in Europe (we are in USA). Began around the beginning of the year.

We have a 4 Yr old together.

Early on in my situation, I did a lot of reading on the internet regarding affairs, and the first site I came upon advised exposing the A to people close to my W in an effort to pressure her by causing her to see the A as sordid, etc. – the way people she respects now are. I know, this is almost the polar opposite of DBing, but it’s what I was exposed to initially, and it makes sense in itself – although it seems to almost require separation to initiate reconciliation. I wrote to my Aunt and Uncle, and my father-in-law and his wife. I carefully laid out the situation without judgment, telling them that I love and respect my wife and that she was in the midst of a difficult time and their support for her (and the marriage) would be welcome. Well, this was a bomb at the time – but the cloud dissipated and cleared very quickly, or so it seemed.

Well, some time has gone by – we attempted MC, but it was not W’s intention to make anything work. I’m still going, but she’s only going to her own C. W’s biggest complaint about me seems to be that I’m too passive – that I don’t have enough drive or ambition – I’m not assertive enough. I’ve been working on this somewhat, but I’m not sure I agree with my W that this is a problem. I think of myself more as passive but strong. I get done what needs to be done without asserting myself just for the sake of machismo. Well, this is one place where DBing concerns me with regard to my W’s view of me, because my W already thinks I can accept and adapt to anything – traits I think are great to a certain extent – but where DBing can look like I’m ignoring the situation and not being assertive in any way. So I’m a little torn because I started on one path and then saw the benefit of DBing which tied in with the other philosophy in the day to day (self improvement, non-confrontational interaction, identifying and working on what ever issues in the relationship contributed to the A, etc.), but the action I already took in another vein says something different.

Another thing to make DBing harder: In response to my W asking for my permission and/or consent to go see my cousin I told my W that I had a boundary, at the advisement of my somewhat questionable C (who is very familiar with Michelle) that if she sees him I will remove myself from the situation to protect myself. I know that this is creating pressure and stress, but now that it’s been said, I don’t want to lose all credibility by rescinding my boundary (that she sees as an ultimatum – and I can understand why). Now she’s telling me that she is going to see him no matter what, so we might as well get a separation now because that’s what I want. Well, I assure her that I don’t want to separate at all, but I will remove myself from the triangle if need be. But for now, since the A is not my issue – and it is for her to figure out on her own, I would rather not continue discussing it, but would rather focus on the real issues and on being good parents together.

So here lies my predicament: how do I remove the stress and pressure on my W without ruining my credibility (which Michelle shows to be critical in her mention of the final ultimatum)? I’m not at any final ultimatum stage right now, but I don’t want to be reactionary. In fact, I wish I hadn’t made this boundary known – I would have rather acted on it if I felt the need to. But what’s done is done and I need some advice here. I want my wife to really feel free to figure this out on her own, and I’ve been living in accordance with DB, but these two issues speak opposite the everyday message I give her of respecting her space and her autonomy. I have never been viewed as controlling by her, but now she feels that I am seeking to control her through this boundary. It’s interesting because Michelle talks about changing something, anything, and I have in that I am clearly in opposition to her here when I normally would let her do whatever she wants.

It seems from her feedback that I should have just accepted that she is going to do what she is going to do and put up with whatever she does. Also when I read other people’s posts on this site I see people sitting tight and bearing with a spouse who’s in the midst of a PA, but I can’t help feeling that my W WANTS to see me be assertive in this situation. I know it’s a mixed up situation, but I appreciate any additional perspectives here. I don’t need anyone’s help in seeing how I screwed up to this point, because I think that’s pretty self evident, but ideas how to procede from here on out is helpful. Thanks in advance.