This thread has digressed into my personal struggles. Not even about my R. So, it’s time to refocus back onto perceptions.
I’ve been throwing my opinions on game playing on various threads. This kinda folds into the perceptions thing, too.
Michele says:
quote:From Divorce Busting: Sometimes after reading about doing a 180o people wonder, “isn’t this technique like game playing? Isn’t it manipulative?” Continuing to do the same old thing even though it doesn’t work is no less game-like than doing something different. In fact, since relationships are like seesaws, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is free to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. Spouses often balance each other out in this way. When one person’s views are extreme, it forces his or her partner to adopt an equally extreme view in the opposite direction.
Is DBing a game?
Partly.
A game is played against other people. If OR has reached an adversarial stage, it will have deteriorated into a game. A we/they attitude has come out. We’re working at cross-purposes. Isn’t the ultimate goal of DB to cut through the BS and get on the same team?
Sure. Everyone says it’s about you. Not your R. You have to evolve as a person so that no matter how your R turns out, you’ll be OK. This is true but you came to this site to save your R. So yes, it is about you. But it is about your R too.
So. Before DBing, you play the futile games of begging, crying, etc. etc. etc. Didn’t work did it? Then, you start the DB game:
Round 1 (ding) Act as-if. 180. 180. 180. <<ding>> Did it work? Not yet? Round 2 (ding) Act as-if. 180. 180. 180. <<ding>> Did it work?
Etc. etc. etc.
This goes on until you throw in the towel, or you’ve “won”.
I have to say that sometimes, you hafta throw in the towel. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m looking down on anyone who has had to concede defeat. It sucks when it happens, but you can hold your head high knowing that you’ve done everything you could. It’s time to move on.
But. What happens once you’ve “won”?
The game’s over. Now’s the time to really build your R.
Is it time to stop DBing? Nope. Its time to stop treating it like a game and rise to the next stage.
