Lotsa good advice here. But I think people are making some assumptions about what I’m going through right now. Of course you’re all basing your assumptions on what I have posted, but I probably haven’t been as clear as I would have been if I was in a better mood. So, I’ll try to explain.
greenbar,
I agree completely with your analysis of control where it concerns controlling or being controlled by another person. In most cases, we do have a choice whether or not we allow ourselves to be controlled. And when we allow ourselves to be controlled, we are in a victim mentality. This is no way to regain the control we think we have lost.
I also agree with you and the others that true control is more a matter of managing our own perceptions.
quote:Originally posted by greenbar: Throughout my life I have also struggled against depression. But over the years I have come to recognize various patterns which seem to ultimately lead me to the depths. What we now call depression used to be called “feeling sorry for yourself.”
What is now referred to as major depression used to be called “nervous breakdown”. I think the old terminology is more accurate. Major depression is a loss of control over situation, and even your own thoughts. It really is. It really is a complete breakdown of your thinking. Can you prevent it? Yes and no. I can’t do it without medication. Medication can keep it down, but PMA is required to take it further.
And yes, Laurie. Karate helps too. And though I didn’t mention it, I do intend to take my karate with me. Let go of the fear? I’m trying, but it’s fear of the unknown. I know how things were in the past, and it was awful. I don’t know if it’ll be any better this time around. We’ll see.
quote:Originally posted by KentS: Sure you do Andy. You have control over the obsessive thought about your W and R if you choose to. Try something different on this trip. Make up your mind that it will be fun and that you will not obsess about W. Make it happen. You have a whole lot of stuff you have control over. Stop giving control to her. This is the same thing she did for years. Now you know how it feels. Take control of your happiness and stop waiting for W to return to who she was. Let her live her own nightmare. Don't head back into the gutter bud. We both know that depression is not a solution to anything. It is hopelessness. It is a sign that a change is needed. Now what is that change gonna be?
You said a mouthful, Kent. I think I can honestly say that I no longer obsess about my R, though when the going gets tough, the outstanding issues do make things harder.
Yes, I have a lot of stuff under my control. I have to say that W and I aren’t in so much of a control struggle right now. The control I give her is given of my own free will. I am not a victim.
I am not waiting for her to return to who she was. In fact, she has returned to who she was in a lot of ways. The person she apparently became was in reaction to her perception of me controlling her. She is much less reactive, and therefore more able to let me into her life. Her nightmare is my nightmare. We’re on the same team now.
But here is much this is not under my control. I cannot cure my son’s handicap. In the current job market, I cannot change jobs to one that doesn’t involve travel, and I cannot refuse the travel in my current job. I think Nicole said it well in my last thread:
quote:Originally posted by nic29marcus294ever January 10, 2002 03:23 PM onBringing the Walls Down with a Teaspoon (Page 4): Andy - sounds like more progress. The two of you sound so tired...I am almost wishing you both could go away for some R&R. Maybe also the stress of your S, along with other factors, has caused you both to move away from each other. I am crossing my fingers for you both. It just feels to me that more of life got in the way with you two, not major crisis's such as affairs and the like.
Life is getting in the way!
What’s the change gonna be? I don’t know yet, Kent. Of course, I’ll make the best of things. Of course, I’ll try to change my attitude. But I don’t know how easy that’ll be. I have to wait to see what opportunities arise.
The only thing I do know is that I will miss my family. Weekends are so busy, that opportunities for family activities will be few. I’ll make opportunities where I can, but I’ll just have to wait and see how much I can do.
