We are alike more than you can know. I have posted this on my own thread as well because I really feel it applies to both of our situations:
What is this thing called control?
Many of us here have been accused of being controlling but I am convinced that it is a catch-all term we tend to use because we don’t want to face the real issues. When we are too weak in our convictions to stand up for ourselves we say we are being controlled. When we are so headstrong that we refuse to accept compromise we say we are being controlled. When we are forced by circumstances to accept something we think we do not wish to accept we say we are being controlled.
When my walk away wife accuses me of being controlling I try to evaluate my actions and look at the facts. Was I controlling her actions when she filed for divorce? No, it was exactly opposite of what I would have allowed if I were controlling the situation. Am I controlling the situation when I ask for sex and she refuses? Am I controlling her refusal to reconcile? Do I control her refusal to seek therapy? No. If I were in control, things would happen as I wished them. Apparently if I am such a controlling person, I am not very good at it.
More often than not we only look at the issues from our own perspective. On the other side of the coin, has she really gained any measure of control by assuming a contrarian position against anything I say or do? Would things have been different if I had approached everything from a different perspective? Been less demanding? Tried to find a route to compromise? Been less headstrong?
When we attempt to force anyone to do anything against their own will, are we really placing ourselves in a position of control or does the animosity and defensiveness we receive in return actually weaken us?
Accusing the other person of being controlling seems only a lash-out at ourselves for feeling out of control…for not having a good enough handle on ourselves…on our own emotions…on our own perceptions to be confident enough to accept change, compromise, and new directions in our lives.
As you say ANS, perception is everything. If we look at an assignment as drudgery we might feel that we have been controlled into doing something against our will. If we turn that perspective around and look at the same assignment as an adventure, we might perceive it to be exciting and fulfilling. Perhaps being controlling is not such a bad thing if we use it internally to attempt to manage our own perceptions.
Throughout my life I have also struggled against depression. But over the years I have come to recognize various patterns which seem to ultimately lead me to the depths. What we now call depression used to be called “feeling sorry for yourself.” We feel out of control. However, I have found that if I try to remain vigilant and attempt to recognize these feelings when they begin to arise, I can sometimes head them off by changing my perspective.
Does it always work? No. Sometimes the feelings are so strong that they overcome me. I have even told myself that things are so bad I deserve to be depressed. What a slippery slope. But I have fallen down it often. And, I am quite convinced now that there are no redeeming aspects in doing so. It doesn’t purge my feelings. It only makes whatever I perceived as a bad situation even worse. Can I always prevent it? No. Can I always try? Yes.
The philosophy of doing a 180 can apply to the individual beginning to feel depression as well as to the couple wishing to reconcile. Choose an opposite reaction to each situation. Attack it from a different perspective. Change your perception.
Keep positive, my friend. I have been where you are and have no guarantee that I won’t see bottom again. But work from the perspective that when that when life deals you a load of lemons, sometimes the only thing you can do is make lemonade.
