Sorry to disappoint you Jen, but I’m about to embark on a “whiney ‘I don't want to do what I know I have to do’ post.
Like I posted earlier, I’m having a bad day. It started yesterday when I found out that the travelling project that I was hyperventilating over in September (see Andy's Story (Page 2)) has come back. I was to find out more today.
Last night, I was in the car when I heard a song on the radio that was often playing during my depression. It’s really weird, but the sickly feeling came back to my stomach. Seems like everything is conspiring against me!
Don’t worry, my depression is not coming back, but it’s a horrible feeling anyway.
So, last night, I approach W with amorous intentions. She said she was too tired – which I expected. We joked about how dead she felt, and some necrophilia jokes. What I didn’t expect was that she changed her mind. Great you say? Well it was horrible! She really was too tired to enjoy it, and it showed.
This morning, I asked her if there was anything I could do to help. She told me not to worry, it’s not always like that. At least that allayed one of my greatest fears. She seemed sincere.
She’s also been looking at buying a motorcycle. This was ostensibly for me (I don’t even have a license), but it looks more and more that it’s for her, so she can go riding with MF. UGHHHHHHHHH!
We talked about the travelling prospects. She said she wasn’t trying to push me out the door, but she worries about me losing my job. I’m sure glad she doesn’t know how close I came a few short months ago!
I went to see my boss about the project. She knows all about my depression, and my aversion to travelling. She’s always been very supportive. In fact, she’s the reason I still have my job. But she can only protect me for so long. I have no choice but to take this assignment.
Everything I hear about this assignment is that it’s the project from hell. It’s high pressure, The working language is French, and it’s being totally mismanaged. At the same time, except for weekends, I’ll not be with my family, nor will I be able to do my karate.
This post has been nothing more than a vent. Please don’t bother with any advice, there’s nothing I can do at this point except to ride it out.
