The point I think I am trying to make is that there comes a time, if you truly want to save your marriage, when the rights and wrongs of the past cannot apply. Any baggage from the past, despite who did what, has got to be completely forgotten and can never be rehashed. This must be done for the good of the new relationship you are forging for the future.
You must eventually come to the realization that your relationship cannot go back to the way it was before. After all, the way it was before is what brought you to where you are now. Any old grudges can only serve to weaken anything new you wish to form.
If your ultimate goal is to get your relationship back on track, you have to realize that by necessity it must not be the same track that it was on before. Despite who was “right” and who was “wrong,” things will have to change toward the positive and that will require differences in both of your behaviors.
Challenging someone for being wrong will only have the outcome of bringing up defenses. No one likes to be challenged. No one ever thinks they intentionally commit “wrong.” I might perceive your actions as wrong but you obviously will have some reason that justified your actions as “right” in your own mind.
I doubt if two people will ever agree on every single topic. However, our job in our individual situations is to attempt as best as possible to lessen inevitable conflicts that will appear. The only way to do this (and Michele points it out in her book) it to be strong enough and confident enough to forget the past indiscretions—really forget them—and not drag along a lot of old animosities into a new relationship.
I may turn out to ultimately be “wrong” about my opinions on this subject but my attempt is to be “positive” about what will occur if I work on my relationship using this viewpoint.
