It’s funny that we say we’re trying not to over-react when we’re under attack. I don’t think we over-react but we must develop our ability to under-react.
One way to do this is not to react (go dark). The problem with this is it can be perceived as brooding, dismissing their complaints/opinions or not caring. Did your mother ever tell you to chant “sticks and stones…”? Did it work?
The middle road is to listen, acknowledge their “concern” and make a mental note of what behaviors we are doing to perpetuate this perception.
There are lotsa people and events that affect our way of thinking. We have no control over which people and events influence our spouses, and when our spouse feels controlled by us, our influence is gone.
All we can do is to avoid behavior that reinforces their negative perception, and ride things out.
Greenbar,
Though it may not look like it from your perspective, I don’t believe logic and common sense have left your W completely. Like you said:
quote:Originally posted by greenbar: I keep reminding myself that nothing is one-sided. I have read so many stories on this board where the attitude of the writer seems to be that their own point of view is the right one and their spouses point of view is the wrong one. Many on this board are quick to point out the selfishness of their spouses without recognizing their own selfishness. What a double standard. I question if the terms “right and wrong” even apply to the issues we discuss here. And, anyway, what’s the satisfaction of being “right” if it doesn’t serve to salvage the relationship?
The implication in your post is that you don’t understand your W’s point of view. You never will, my friend, but that’s no reason to give up trying. Every little insight you gain will give you ideas to help you avoid fuelling her negative perceptions.
I think that good DBing in these cases isn’t so much finding what works as stopping what is working against you.
Hi Me2,
I guess your sitch is sorta like your last post on Bringing the Walls Down with a Teaspoon. You were saying that my W's perception of what constitutes being my best friend may be different from mine. Criticism is in the eye of the beholder, eh?
And his assumption that you’re going to fly off the handle… He really can’t get his subconscious mind around the fact that you don’t do that any more. Another example of how perceptions are sooooooooooooooo slow to change.
