Well, I know SOME things about my W, and this was one of them. The only part I had wrong was that she'd wait until tonight. She brought it up as soon as I got home. I don't really remember the whole convo, but this was the gist...
W: What was all that about this afternoon. I already was stressed about my car problems and then that. It really gave me a headache. I felt bad but... M: I'm sorry if I made you feel bad but when you didn't answer your phone it reminded me of the "bad old days" when you would go for hours, days without answering your phone.
We went on to talk a bit about her phone problems...
M: I really didn't plan on having this conversation, at least not now. W: Well, I KNOW you and yes, we did need to have it or else you would just be in a "mood" all night until you decided to talk about it. M: You DON'T KNOW me as well as you think. I was not going to bring it up, and honestly, if I was going to be in a mood, wouldn't I have been in one from then on? W: Yes. M: Well, I have talked to you several times since then and I have been fine, right? I have had no attitude, no "mood" at all, right? You actually apologized to me earlier, something that frankly, was unexpected because you usually get angry at me for being angry at you, and I accepted that. I was still a little concerned but I think I would have gotten over it. W: I suppose. I just feel like you are blaming me for something like I did it on purpose. M: You M: Ok then. I'm sorry you were stressed but imagine what it was like for me to be walking around the mall, thinking we had made plans and you not only not showing, but not answering your phone. I was angry and frustrated, just like you would have been. W: I understand that but I just hate that no matter what I do, you ALWAYS treat me this way, like somehow I went out of my way to do this. M: I don't ALWAYS treat you any particular way. I am treating you this way today because of what it seemed like to me. It SEEMED like (and BTW, the kids were in the room so we could not speak openly about some things) maybe something that it was not. I am sorry to jump to conclusions that may not have been fair, but you may have to expect that from time to time. W: I know, but my mom called me and said all the same things. It's like you think I see it's you and avoid the calls. I didn't hear my phone. M: Well, the last thing I'll say is that you get pissed at me if I don't answer my phone right away. You call back several times and leave terse messages when I don't answer. Why is it ok for you but not for me? We are supposed to BOTH be equals in terms of this stuff now. W: Yes, and like I said... M: I know, you had phone problems. You apologized and I accept that. Please, next time you are out, especially when you are 5 minutes from where I am and we have some kind of tentative plans to get together, check your phone a little more often. W: Ok...
There was a bit more. She questioned how come I always seem like it's a huge deal to be a little late to, or leave a little early from work yet I had time to wander around the mall. She said it was a mixed message. I told her that was not true, that I only spent a total of about 35 minutes getting to, looking for her, and back from the mall. She accepted that.
I STILL don't know if I believe her. I think either guilt OR honesty could have motivated her to talk to me about it. No matter what, she's right, in the PAST, I would have stewed, fumed and been in a terrible mood over this. I was NOT, nor am I in that mood. I AM still thinking about it, but now with a more rational mind.
I will post more later, but for now, it's all tentatively good.
