GH- stop. Push the stop button. Take a rest. Put on a CD, take a drive. You are being TOO tough on yourself. It's a phase I'm going through now, as well. Once the A is out, and talked about, you start to see that there were things, are things, that YOU are mad about, have issues with. All this time, you put it away, and before that you focused on it too much and were negative, neither is good.
Now, you've put in everything, and get nothing. You justify this b/c of your actions in the M. Well, W had her own transgressions too, and it's frustrating to be at this stage where you're sick of being the one 100% wrong, and waiting for the other person to come around too.
You have been through so much. You cannot be perfect. You HAVE changed, don't let your natural/normal feelings about this change how you view yourself.
So, the order to you from me: STOP BEATING YOURSELF. Recharge your brain. Now that things are leaking out of you and your patience is wearing thin....I suggest you do something. I suggest that you make a plan for some regular 'GH time' just for YOU. Be open and tell W that. That you want to be your best in the M, and will need YOU time here and there during this tense time. That you're not avoiding her, and are really making strides to spend more time with family (as that was a shortcoming of yours before), but space for you right now is what you need for the good of ALL.
Make it a point to go for a walk, sit in the library, take a long drive, whatver floats your boat, at least once a week for YOU.
Now that I'm outta the house, I can't tell you how healthy I feel. I was miserable at a stressful home. I needed this. I don't suggest you leave, but take small breaks. Go beyond PMA, and just get peace, distance and distraction of your own. Also, it helps you understand the A...it did for me. I understood H's need to get out of the house, his need for distraction, his need to be away from me. I feel that now, doing it in a healthier way, but the same thing.
