I don’t know how many times I’ve posted that all I’m trying to do is to behave like the person I thought I was. I guess all I’m trying to say is that I’ve always thought of myself as a great person, and a great H. But, my W’s perception was different. So, I had to find different ways to behave that would project this to my W. These had to be tailored to her.
quote:Originally posted by darmar: she is saying things like, wow its about time, why didn't you do that before, how come you love me now.
Anyway, I think you handled things well. Sometimes the truth works. What a concept, eh?
And don’t sweat the “even slower” thing. The reason I feel I have to go slower is that W is starting to come around, and I don’t want to spook her. That’s a good thing. I don’t want to look like I’m posturing (which I’m not).
Which brings me back to greenbar’s post.
I think that posturing is one of the greatest impediments to our perception. Our spouses and we try to influence each other’s behavior by taking an opposing stance. We sometimes go to an extreme so that our SO will take a more moderate stance, thus making the compromize closer to what we want. We dicker! What a way to have a relationship!
Another thing we do is to “take the high road.” By doing this, we are flaunting our superiority over them. Boy, if that doesn’t bring a couple close together, what will?
Laurin,
I think you’ve really hit on something. In order to change perceptions, we have to stop the behavior that perpetuates the unwanted perception. The rationale behind our behavior – no matter how well intentioned – is irrelevant. Our S doesn’t see the rationale. They only see the behavior.
Listening and accepting criticism instead of defending yourself breaks the pattern. After a time, the old behavior will be forgotten.
I also agree that we tend not to afford the same minimum standard of courtesy to our spouses that we would a stranger. Pretty stupid, eh?
