Well, I said I had a little news. Really, it's not that big but in the context of all we have been talking about the last couple days, I think it is important.
Last night, as I'm sure you can all imagine, I was still thinking about all this stuff. I didn't really want to R talk but I felt like I was going to be moody. SO, I just made sure I decided to wait...DECIDED to wait.
Ah, but life has a funny way of altering the best laid plans. When we went to bed, I did something I almost NEVER do, and that is to lay on my side and not reach out for W, usually to give her the nightly back rub. It's not really that I didn't want to, it's just, well, that I didn't do it for whatever reason. It didn't seem right for some reason.
Then, as usual when there is ANY change in my behavior, W noticed and actually asked me to rub her. Now, this is a bit unusal in itself because in the past when I have done the "no back rub thing" she assumed I was in a mood or something and either got in one herself, or just went to sleep. She never just asked in that situation. I was taken by surprise a bit. Well, this is actually how it went...
W: Can I get some back rubbing? You only have to suffer it for a couple minutes. M: Sure (and I start)...and it's not suffering at all. It's just that I want so much more. W: Do you hear yourself? It's always about what YOU want. I KNOW you want more. M: Really? I guess I just don't understand that.
That was it. Nothing more, which again, is HIGHLY unusual. In the past, one or both of us would have felt the need to attack or defend. It was just left at that, mainly, I think, because I had no desire to get into a talk then, in the time and place when SO many of our worst fights had happened.
The other strange thing was that I kept rubbing her and she "let me". Again, usually when I expressed anything like not wanting to rub her, she would get pissy and roll over, kinda pulling away from me. I kept rubbing because I meant what I said, that I didn't mind but I wanted more. She seemed to hear that and while I didn't like her answer, she took me at face value and we just kept on, in silence until she fell asleep...interesting.
The whole exchange was fascinating to me in the context of all the passive agressive stuff. I realized just how PA my W was and how I never noticed it.
Anyway, I have not really analyzed what happened much. I KNOW there is plenty more that could have been said, but really this let me know that W is still in MLC or whatever-land where she can't see anything outside her own needs. In some VERY strange way, this gave me comfort. It gave me some kind of new lease on working on ME only and dropping the whole pretext that we are full-on reconciling, at least for now.
Epilog...
Tonight I decided to go see a movie...alone. Well, I went and then decided not to stay because the movie I wanted to see was sold out. I came home. Went to the kitchen to say hi to W and then go upstairs to get some work done...or watch a movie,or something. As I turned to go, W reached out to me and gave me a big hug. That was only the second time in, well, a LONG time she's done that. Will wonders never cease...
