Geesh, go away from the boards for a few days and come back to see you've almost gone through a whole thread.
Anyway, for what it's worth, here's my thoughts on the lack of ML in your M. First, under no circumstances should you "grope" your W's breasts during a massage (and before you get defensive, I'm not staying you're still using this tactic.) My H and I have always had a very good sex life but I always hated it when he'd give me a massage and then go for the goods. It made me feel like he was an over-sexed teenage boy and DID NOT put me in the mood.
Much more successful was when he gave me full body massages and gently worked his way down my back towards . . . ahem, other areas. I would highly recommend getting some books on erotic massage. Then you can try out some of what you learn on your W. And tell her you've learned some new tricks.
Second, next time you start to lean in to kiss her, pull back before she has a chance to do so. You need to play a little hard to get. Remember, for some sick reason we all want what we can't have.
I would also suggest that you make a conscious decision not to have sex. That will give you a little sanity.
On the romance front, you need to take a really hard look at what your W appreciates most. Would she love to find out you've scrubbed (and I mean really scrubbed) the bathroom. Maybe she would love to wake up to a champagne breakfast in bed. Perhaps you could take a dance class or cooking class together. Or maybe you can leave her prizes that she can only win by learning something new about you, sharing something about herself or giving you a kiss (and the location of the kiss can change daily.)
Study your W to see what makes her tick and if you can't figure it out ASK her. It seems like you and your W are having the same problems as in the famous pina colada song where they go on a blind date and realize it's their spouse and say they never knew the other "liked pina coladas . . . and getting caught in the rain . . ."
Not too long ago my H and I spent the day in bed together asking each other questions we thought we knew the answers to, and for the most part we did. Some were light like "what's your favorite color," but others were much more serious like "what are you most afraid of" and "if you could change anything about yourself what would you change." It was eye-opening and was amazingly intimate.
You should ask yourself (and ask your W) why it is you want to ML to her so badly. I could be wrong, but it isn't about sex at all. It's about being close to each other and being able to look into each others' eyes and knowing there is something special between the two of you that, regardless of an A, no one else will ever share and no one can ever take away.
At some point, not only do you need to tell your W that you've forgiven her and understand the role you played in her A, but you need to tell her it's OK for her to forgive herself. And don't forget that how your W feels about herself will weigh heavily in how she feels towards you.
That said, you are way too accessible to your W right now and she is able to take you for granted and get a little too comfortable. I don't envy the fine line you must walk between leaving a little distance and supporting her through her DUI. Maybe I've missed something, but do you ever go out and do things just for yourself that aren't work or family related?
I know you're frustrated, but I think it perhaps may be time for you to mix things up a little and be a little mysterious.
Wow, sorry for the long post--your thread is long enough.
