Wow always, now I feel even worse for that general dribble that I posted to you (not that it wasn't heartfelt mind you).
Quote:
You've been so strong, so thoughtful, so analytical. Always putting so much effort into thinking your sitch a 1000 different ways and then taking action on your findings. You're being a wonderful H.
Thank you. I hope that's what I am doing.
Quote: I have to pipe in say something. Your W is in a weird and painful moment now. Ending the A, seeing it for what i was, that she projecting much onto it that it never really was. Seeing you change to the man she wanted all these years, slowly feeling the love for you again. Coming out of a fog and seeing all that you have damaged and all that you loved and let go. This is what my H told me he was going through. It's laced with LOTS of guilt and anger. At themselves and us. The main line H said: Why did this have to happen? Why did it all go so, so wrong?
I think this too. It's what makes me want to just wait more, because I know she is hurting and that I am not the one who will make that go away, only she can do that...she and time.
Quote: Understand this. Understand that it's a phase that you cannot keep expecting all of your actions to make a difference and them to warm up like nothing happened. They are climbing out of denial and into ashes. It's hard to act like nothing happened and move forward. They want to, but it will take a little more time. Until then, you show your love and changed you consistently. Be strong for her now, as you have been this whole time. You feel that now that the A is over, then it's time to restart, right? Well, this is a phase that comes before that.
I LOVE the "climbing out of denial into ashes" analogy. Again, I really do feel like this is the case and that the true "restarting" has not begun yet. I think I realize that MOST of the time, and then there's today...
Quote: The bottom line is that your actions will make a BIG difference ONLY when THEY are ready to receive it. You can't throw yourself into the M and work on it unless you feel good about you, are happy with you, love you....and they don't feel that yet. They are so confused and pained that they let this happen. So mad that we didn't changed before they went into this fog ('why couldn't you have listened before??'). You are ready because for 7 months you've been going through this catharsis....getting stronger, confident, changing, loving yourself and the new you, forgiving yourself for the past. It's just Day 0 for her.
Ok, and this still suggests, as I believe, that the time is just not here yet. I KNOW my actions will not have the desired effect until she is ready, and if that's true, then she's just not ready but I feel like from the posts earlier from OT and NM that somehow it's up to ME to "make" her ready. I don't agree with that. Sure, it's up to me to be ready for HER, and communicate my "new" self to her, which I am, but it's up to her to take that last step TOWARDS me and finish the journey.
Quote: emember, no expectations. Like OT said, if it would help you be empowered and in control again, set a deadline for yourself.
I don't really feel out of control. I think I was just overwhelmed this morning and was not really prepared to hear what I heard. I think I am ok now. I know I am still in control of me and I also think I was wanting to be in control of my W, something I understood LONG ago that I didn't have...or want again.
Quote: Today is a rough day. Take some time out and maybe go on a walk or something alone before going home. Or go out tonight. take a breather for YOU.
I may do this but I have to pick up the kids from school as W has her first DUI class today (8 hours). Bad timing for me needing a "break" but I will probably have a good time with the boys and take my mind off all this.
Thank you again for the GREAT post. You, NM and OT have really helped me yet again. Thank you all.
