Ok, now that I've calmed down a bit, I thought I would try a little exercise. Here are a list of my "more of the same" and "180"'s
More of the same (if I did this, it would be more of what I "used to do" that caused a lot of our problems according to me, my C and some of what W's told me):
-Touching only to get sex -Being gone all the time -Staying up stairs even when I'm home -Being angry with the kids -Being passive/agressive -Generally being down about life -Not caring about my personal appearence -Being "messy" -Calling her all the time -Getting angry at her for being upset -Not validating her -Being defensive all the time
Ok, here are some 180's I've done...
-I touch her more now, i.e. walking by I will just run my fingers through her hair and compliment how good it feels, etc. -I have done a LOT to make sure I have time for the kids AND her. I have changed my schedule to make sure that I am consistant in when I work, having certain nights that I am always home. -When I am home, I try to be "around" downstairs more. This has led to a LOT of nice conversations lately. I guess W likes that. I never would have thought. I thought she LIKED me being upstairs. Wonder what else I THINK I know...(OT) -I try as best I can to be happy and have fun with the kids. Also I try to discipline without anger much more than before. It seems to be working VERY well with the boys and W too! -(this is the biggy) I am trying to be more direct and open with W. This has been my biggest issue and passive/agressive behavior is something that my W HATES so... -I am happy now. I am happy with me and my life. I LOVE what I do and now it shows. No longer do I pretend to be miserable just to spare my W what I THOUGHT would be jealousy at my joy. I accept that she wants me to be happy, and even if she doesn't, I DO! -I look GOOD these days (story on that later). I care how I look. I do my hair EVERY day. I dress well EVERY day and I am into buying clothes for myself now. W can't believe it! -I don't call her nearly as much, and when I do, if she doesn't answer, I leave a message and don't call back unless it's REALLY important. -This is another biggy. I don't get upset when she's upset. I have learned to detach for the most part and just listen to her. Also, as an extention of this, I have learned NOT to try to DO everything for her. I used to get upset when she did housework, asking to share the load. I don't do that anymore. If there is something to do, I just do it but if she is doing something, I appreciate it and move on.
In general, I have tried to be much less defensive and I think I have done ok with this. I have a LOT of work to do still. I guess I just wanted to post this as a sort of checklist of where I was and where I am now. I think I am doing ok, but as the earlier day's posting proves, there is ALWAYS more work to be done.
