Here is the quote from my thread Menopause and MLC that you requested I repost here. It seems that we are all going through similar thought processes and exploring similar ideas. It must be in the air.
I fully understand that judging progress will be difficult. Both my wife and I are both posturing somewhat at this point. I used the word “indifference” in my earlier post because that seems to be the dominant behavior of the moment. She is doing everything in her power to act “indifferent” to the relationship or to how any of this will affect the people around her. I am trying my best to act “indifferent” to all of her actions.
Who knows? Perhaps our goals are similar. Perhaps her indifference is to gain attention which she feels she is lacking in the marriage. Perhaps my indifference is to gain attention which I hope will direct her focus back to the marriage. All the while all of this “indifference” is occurring, I am certain that she is just as knotted up inside as I am—just unable or unwilling to display it at this point. But this seems to be a necessary stage in healing.
My natural instinct is to place all the blame for what is happening on her. And God knows, she has no problem placing copious amounts of blame on me. But sometimes we have to look beyond our natural instincts. They say that one thing that separates a man from an animal is the fact that man has the logical capability to overcome his instincts.
I keep reminding myself that nothing is one-sided. I have read so many stories on this board where the attitude of the writer seems to be that their own point of view is the right one and their spouses point of view is the wrong one. Many on this board are quick to point out the selfishness of their spouses without recognizing their own selfishness. What a double standard. I question if the terms “right and wrong” even apply to the issues we discuss here. And, anyway, what’s the satisfaction of being “right” if it doesn’t serve to salvage the relationship?
It seems more appropriate to view things as “positive” or “negative.” And, in addition view them through the filter of the results they accomplish to bring us closer to our goal of reconciling our relationships. Positive behavior yields positive results. Negative behavior yields negative results. It seems that the trick is being able to choose a point of view that will best help us to our goal and then stick with it until we succeed or fail. Hopefully, if we can put aside all of our instinctual distractions we will succeed.
