Really, your post does not motivate me this morning. If anything I am motivated to just walk away because I think I am doing 100% different things, I am NOT hands off, I am NOT giving her "space" in terms of physical interaction but how the f--k do you act passionate towards someone who GIVES YOU NOTHING BACK??????? Yea, I know about self-validation and maybe that's the key to what you are suggesting but I guess I just don't get that yet.
I am beyond my wits end, and no, I have not gotten to that part of PM you are talking about. One thing I notice in PM so far is that much of it seems to be about TWO people who know there is a problem and are working on solving it. That is not the case in my marriage. I am the only one doing any work, and despite what you may think, I AM actually doing SOMETHING, just not what I guess you think I should be doing.
Please, without the sarcasm, tell me what you think I should do today...tonight...this minute to change my situation because like I said, and maybe have not accuratly posted, I AM DOING things MUCH differently than ever before in my relationship...any relationship I have ever had.
I used to go DAYS without touching my W in any way until the weekend and then only when I wanted sex. Sure, I would hug her goodbye and such but beyond that, nothing. I guess after 10 years she finally noticed...so did I. I know you think that the "asexual" way I am doing things, or at least the way it comes across here as asexual, is totally wrong but from where I sit, I don't see what I am doing as asexual at all, just not directly leading to sex. My touches are made with passion and intent. I KNOW she feels my desire, my love in what I am doing but she returns NONE of it, which is the same as it has always been in our marriage, or at least for most of it.
You have to start somewhere and I think I am doing that. Maybe I am just starting in the wrong place, I don't know.
In terms of "waiting" until her "emotional frailty" has passed, that is probably the part I am most defensive about and not conicidentally, the part you get on me the most about. I get what you are saying but WTH, isn't there room in the world for people to be going through something that makes it a little hard to concentrate on other "life altering" things? Isn't it POSSIBLE that there is a better time to talk to her or jump her or whatever you are suggesting I do? I don't mean next year, I just mean when these things are over, like next week. I think I have been pretty consistant in moving forward when I thought the time was right and think, based on the limited success I have had, I have been doing ok with judging when "right" is.
I KNOW that I have been saying these things for a long time, that my W is "going through" things. It's because it's true. I don't think being aware of that and waiting to introduce other "things" into the equation is parenting. Are you suggesting that I just move forward with "my" agenda without reguard for her feelings, or rather her current, temporary situation? Actually I guess you are but I am having a hard time with that.
I have to explain that I have been in ONE relationship (I specify ONE because I don't make it a habit to be involved with women like this) where "stuff" happened to her all the time. It was crazy. It seemed like every week it was a new crisis. Finally, I LEFT HER and moved on because the drama was too much. So, I KNOW what it's like to be with someone who does that and that is NOT my W. The things she is going through, the DUI case mainly, ARE ANOMOLYS in her/our life.
If it looks like I am making excuses, then fine, let it look like that. I am unconcerned about how it looks.
Am I afraid of "doing" certain things, sure I am. That is obvious, but more than that, I just don't know what else I could be doing.
OT, PM is pretty good, but where I am now in it is really not applicable which is why I think I didn't read last night.
OT, I am sorry for the tone of some of this post but you have to understand, to me, where I have been in this marriage and really all my life in relationships, these "little things" are HUGE and it's taking me time to build on them. I'm also sorry if in this matter I just fail to get it. I feel like you are trying to help but it's not getting through. Whatever you are suggesting I need to do is not something that either I feel I can do, or want to do right now.
