Quote: Somehow you always manage to write the most thought provoking words. This is good reading for all who care to take the words to heart and live by them.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
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I don't think everyone understands DBing isn't a quick fix to restore the relationship or marriage...if you adopt the principles, it should become a way of life....forever. I also know that in some cases, the DB principles set forth are "more of the same" that led the R to deteriorate - in those cases, sometimes the "passive" approach isn't the best approach. DB/DR tells us that too.
VERY well said, and I couldn't agree more. DB is about taking control over your life and making choices that reflect your true self, not the one that has become contaminated over years of bad behavior. In my sitch, GALing, in the sense that we are told to get out and do things on our own, was MUCH more of the same so I adapted the concept to suit my particular situation. GAL to me became re-discovering that which made me happy, the little things like taking time to shoot some personal photos of the kids around the house, etc. Mainly it meant that I needed to re-discover my passion for my work, and my life. To me, GAL meant that I needed to actually FEEL I had a life that was my own and then live it but that did not mean doing more outside the house, just enjoying what I was already doing MUCH MORE.
Quote: ut once again - it isn't all about doing something to get back your lover/mate/spouse. Even though, if we admit it, that's why we're all here. However, by coming to this site, and joining up, posting, reading, learning - no matter what your take is on DBing, it INCITES CHANGE.
Yes, yes, yes. We all started with a common goal of saving our marriages and then found out there was a LOT more to the story. Change indeed!
Quote: Lots of spurned spouses here don't think they have any power - when actually, the complete opposite is true. By finding these tools (and implementing them) to better ourselves, we in fact have gained knowledge, and knowledge IS power. If you continue to wallow in self-pity, well, who the hell would want to come back to that? Think about it.
Ah, and you hit on the dead center of the matter, and to get the soapbox back out just a little bit...
Reading this made me realize the simple truth that some people don't WANT to better themselves. They don't believe that their WAS has to WANT to come back, the believe that they can simply force them to do so, damn be the consequences.
You're right, the true power comes from setting ourselves free from the ties that bind us to controlling behavior. True power is what you make of it.
Quote: Lots of spouses here think - "WHY did he/she DO THIS TO me!". Well, if one was to seriously think about it, we could all probably grudgingly admit *knowing* something was wrong with the R. Right? Think about it. Most of us can say that even if the R was going along OK, there could have been improvement somewhere. Well, your spouse sensed that too. They just chose to go about resolving the problem in a way that THEY deemed the right way. Even if it meant breaking vows. When people are backed into a corner, they do what they have to do to fight their way out - they don't just sit there complacently allowing things to happen to them.
Right on here too! Our spouses got "solution" oriented long before we did. The problem is that their solution probably ended up not solving their problems and like us, they are realizing that certain actions do not solve problems but rather create more in their wake.
Quote: It's all dead. Except, HE wasn't dead. The old R was dead. So there may be an opportunity for a 2nd chance. Maybe. So if that thought helps you to GAL - then go for it. If the thought that your 2nd chance may completely hinge on you DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT, aren't you going to try something different? Or, are you going to do more of the same and watch the R disintegrate into nothingness?
Interesting and a good example of doing whatever it takes to MAKE changes and detach from the situation. I agree, so much of the time people fail to actually DO something different until it's almost too late, then wonder why it took so long to do it.
Quote: So sometimes people here need to adapt DBing to their situation. And not detrimentally. Make the changes for yourself - not with thought of what it's going to do to get your spouse back. If you do that, aren't you just continuing to live your life for someone else? And if you are living your life for someone else, what's going to happen if that morbid thought (death) should occur? Where will you be then? You'll have no Marriage; you'll have no spouse; you'll be standing there alone - just like you are now. Except the big difference is your S is still here n the planet and you have the POWER....use it wisely.
