If you're not too busy, I could really use your wise advice on my thread in Piecing....
Will do. I am a little busy this morning but I will try to get over there.
Rob,
Quote: I aboslutely understand and agree with you (although I'm not so sure I simplified it). DBing is NOT being passive, it is being very assertive. Making changes in oneself is the hardest thing we can ever do, and by DBing, most of us are doing that. Making tough choices, dealing with our own issues and baggage, etc. I know from my own experience, that is NOT an easy thing to do. I've had to face many tough decisions and look within myself to determine how I can be a better person. How's that being passive?
AMEN brother! That is REALLY well said!
Happysurfer
Quote: Sorry to jump in here, but this caught my eye. i am trying so hard to detach. I can't seem to just give it up to God. I can't seem to just be happy with me. Part of me feels like there is so much unsaid. So much that needs to be worked out. My W said she got over me. How do I just get over this? Go to the gym? I will just think about it. I am locked in my own prison.
You deal with that by realizing that unfortunatly, or fortunatly as you may come to learn, you have no control over your wife and YOU hold the keys to that prison, not her. As soon as you decide to let yourself out and experience life for YOU, for YOUR reasons to accomplish YOUR goals in life, you will start to live again.
RB,
Quote: GH, your thread is the best place for your rant, because it needs to be said, and your threads are the most read on these boards due to your willingness to give lots of good advice. PARob, your post is right on target.
Thank you. I appreciate that sentiment.
Quote: Unfortunately (and I'm not the first to notice this), there ARE those on this board who interpret DB'ing as a passive thing. They are either unable or unwilling to self-evaluate. They don't really GAL. They don't experiment and monitor results. They don't do 180's.
Yes, I have seen this. ANY method can be percieved as passive if you look at it from a certain perspective. I happen to think getting angry and drawing a line in the sand is passive, just a different kind of passive. You are allowing emotions to run your life instead of another person. What defines passive is the act of doing nothing in response to something being done to you. In DB, we accept two things. First, that the affair is NOT being "done" to us, and second, that we ARE taking action, just not the action everyone expects.
Leslie
Quote: Yes yes yes. Or maybe they (myself included) do these things, but it is more to see if it is noticed, rather than using them as tools for self-evaluation. I think that the hardest thing for us to do is detachment, and even though we may move into a less reactionary mindset, we are still kinda doing the same old thing.
Speaking for myself, (while knowing it applies to many) it is one thing to read DB and try to do a few changes for yourself, or maybe demonstrate that you've made changes that in fact you have not (that's me), or attempt to GAL by mixing up your routine a little, or maybe even trying to incite jealousy.
I agree. Detaching IS the hardest thing to do. Also, the idea of making changes for YOU and not simply to see change in your sitch is paramount. You are right. Inciting jealousy is NOT the goal here but I think honestly we all do hope that they feel something close to jealousy when we DB right and finally GAL/detach. What they should feel though is more like wonder and intrigue, not jealousy. We want to create a positive atmosphere, not a negative one and jealousy is alomst always negative.
HH,
Quote: Honestly, this site is the best therapy I have ever had. From all of you, I get caring, perspective, insight, direction, encouragement, spiritual guidance, and DB/DR wisdom. I believe you get similar feelings too, GH.
Here, here. I get the same things from you all. Well said.
Quote: Remember to look at how far you have already travelled in your DB journey, NOT how far you still need to go. Be solution-oriented. And remember, the measure of a man is how he behaves when he is at his lowest point.
This is really good for me to hear right now. I AM too focused on the length of the journey and not it's quality. Thank you.
Grateful Mama,
Quote: I have read your words many nights, nodding in agreement, revelling in the truth that seems so readily at your grasp...cutting through layers of drama and finding the crux of the problem.
You deserve such happiness. I wish that your wife could see the grasshopper that we know. The passsionate fighter, compassionate friend, wise sage. I feel as if you have been given a gift to speak the truths that reside within all of us yet are sometimes too scary to look at.
Thank you for being you. Thank you for sharing your truest, most honest self with us. and with yourself.
much love and many hugs faith
You know, the combination of all your posts (everyone I mean) has moved me, but GM, this one really struck me. Thank you so much for what you said. I do have to be honest about something, and it's no big thing, but awhile ago, I think it was PMD maybe, emailed me and asked if I would mind talking on the phone instead of posting. I never replied (sorry, I only remember this now). What I mean to confess is that I am a pretty good writer in terms of being able to convey my thoughts through the written word...verbal communication is a whole other story, and that is a major reason why my W cannot see this "sage" person you all claim I am at times. She sees the man who struggles with defensivness, anger at times and low self esteem.
The man you see here gets to edit himself so that the words come out just right. Unfortunatly, I can't do that when talking to my W so I am not nearly as clear as I am to you all.
I am getting better and some day, through MUCH more self-analysis and growth, I hope to be able to process my thoughts so that I can speak as clearly as I sometimes write.
