Somehow you always manage to write the most thought provoking words. This is good reading for all who care to take the words to heart and live by them.
I don't think everyone understands DBing isn't a quick fix to restore the relationship or marriage...if you adopt the principles, it should become a way of life....forever. I also know that in some cases, the DB principles set forth are "more of the same" that led the R to deteriorate - in those cases, sometimes the "passive" approach isn't the best approach. DB/DR tells us that too.
There's also the thread that speaks of "going dark as more of the same. Sometimes people take the words to deeply to heart. If you've been "passive" throughout your R, then 180's would be to stop being passive. How to tie this in with DBing is the tricky part. Become forthright without being pushy - it's difficult to do, although not impossible. Requires LOTS of ingenuity. Sometimes people become VERY stagnant, stuck in the same old comfortable rut. For those people, I suggest reading the "Do a 180" threads - they are a source of some great ideas that perhaps one hasn't thought of...from the simplest to the more complex 180's. Read them over and adapt them to your own personal sitch.
But once again - it isn't all about doing something to get back your lover/mate/spouse. Even though, if we admit it, that's why we're all here. However, by coming to this site, and joining up, posting, reading, learning - no matter what your take is on DBing, it INCITES CHANGE. What one does with results of those changes is up to the individual. Lots of spurned spouses here don't think they have any power - when actually, the complete opposite is true. By finding these tools (and implementing them) to better ourselves, we in fact have gained knowledge, and knowledge IS power. If you continue to wallow in self-pity, well, who the hell would want to come back to that? Think about it.
Lots of spouses here think - "WHY did he/she DO THIS TO me!". Well, if one was to seriously think about it, we could all probably grudgingly admit *knowing* something was wrong with the R. Right? Think about it. Most of us can say that even if the R was going along OK, there could have been improvement somewhere. Well, your spouse sensed that too. They just chose to go about resolving the problem in a way that THEY deemed the right way. Even if it meant breaking vows. When people are backed into a corner, they do what they have to do to fight their way out - they don't just sit there complacently allowing things to happen to them.
DBing is a tool to help change things. If passivity is more of the same - change it. If sarcastic diarrhea of the mouth is more of the same - shut your trap. It's not hard. Well, it's not easy either, lol. But do it - it may be the only chance you have to salvage your R. I don't think that's passivity or being a doormat.
And while we are all here to save our R's, I know one thing that helped me look at it differently was something a little morbid that I'm hesitant to say - but I'll say it anyway. I sometimes thought of SO as dead. Or, rather - the old R was dead - so how would I handle things if that *thought* were in fact reality? The nights when I first found out about the A, the nights I *knew* he was out with OW and was staying with her - I made him dead in my mind. Just not there anymore. The nights all three kids were sick and puking all over me and I knew he was out whooping it up at the Karaoke bar that we used to go to? Same thing - it's dead. It's all dead. Except, HE wasn't dead. The old R was dead. So there may be an opportunity for a 2nd chance. Maybe. So if that thought helps you to GAL - then go for it. If the thought that your 2nd chance may completely hinge on you DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT, aren't you going to try something different? Or, are you going to do more of the same and watch the R disintegrate into nothingness?
I've been going through this for a long time. Should I have given up? Maybe. But I firmly believe that my changes in myself, changing the old behavior that led to the downfall of our R has assisted in keeping SO around. I can't think of any other reason. He's had too many opportunities to completely sever things with me...and hasn't. I know that throwing him out wasn't DB advisable - I still stand by that decision because him living here and cavorting with OW under my nose - well, that just wasn't working for ME. So I had to change it. And, that could have gone either way....could have led him & OW to....a deeper R. In this case, it does seem to have assisted in their R imploding - although I may never know the true reasons. What would've happened had he continued living here? Don't know. However, I made the choice for ME. And I was/am ready to deal with whatever the outcome will be.
So sometimes people here need to adapt DBing to their situation. And not detrimentally. Make the changes for yourself - not with thought of what it's going to do to get your spouse back. If you do that, aren't you just continuing to live your life for someone else? And if you are living your life for someone else, what's going to happen if that morbid thought (death) should occur? Where will you be then? You'll have no Marriage; you'll have no spouse; you'll be standing there alone - just like you are now. Except the big difference is your S is still here n the planet and you have the POWER....use it wisely.
Sorry for the ramble...hope there's something in here that someone can find useful.
