I guess this would be part 13 but I think I am going to stop counting. It's going to be a depression of another sort if I manage to top 20 threads, lol.
Anyway, not much new. The rest of last night was fine. When W came to bed it ALMOST seemed like she was shifting a bit more towards me than usual but I can't tell anymore. My emotions have been running too high lately but when they calm down I will have that talk with W. Until then, it's back to the DB basics for me.
In an open letter to all here who want to give up, and it seems like there are a few around these days. That is YOUR choice. The most important thing in DB, or ANY technique for saving a marriage, is WANTING to save said marriage. Isn't part of what WE fault them for is giving up on their vows? Oh, but WE have reason to do that, right? What about all the things they think gave them the right to cheat? I think THEY believe that they are JUST AS JUSTIFIED in their actions as we do when we want to just give up the idea of our marriage and get a divorce. That's what DB is all about, saying, yes, the affair IS EVIL but so too is all the other toxic crap in our marriages, some of which is OUR toxic crap. We accept our role AND their role, accept the situation and then begin the task of rebuilding OURSELVES in the mold we choose, hoping that in doing so, we will affect the necessary change in the dynamic our our R with our WAS. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but we are ALL the better off for the valient attempt.
I KNOW this is hard, if it wasn't, then more marriages WOULD be saved. In the end, it's your choice. The sad part is that when many people finally GET that it's their choice, they choose to give up rather than fight.
If you see that you have to start making choices, why not just make a choice to put yourself first in all matters and understand that you CAN do that without getting a divorce or seperation. You want to "end things" with the WAS anyway, why not just detach from them, i.e. end your dependance on them for filling ANY need of yours and move on with your life. You CAN do that without being angry or mean and in that way, you get to be free from the pain and still save divorce for later.
Look, I love my W and believe that what we are going through WILL make us stronger, or at the very least, ME stronger. I encourage all of you to look hard at your goals and decide if what you are REALLY after is saving your marriage rather than simply ending your pain.
I suggest that even IF you give up and accept divorce as the best option, your pain will hardly end there, especially if you have kids. This man or woman WILL be in your li fe for the forseeable future so the pain you associate with them, the pain you can't escape from today will likely be there for a LONG time.
I just wanted to take this opportunity to encourage anyone contemplating giving up (and by that, I mean pursuing a divorce just because it seems like nothing else will work to end their situation/pain) to really think about that and decide if that's what they want. If it is, then make that choice, of clear and sound mind and then be prepared to live with it's consequences, good, bad or ugly. Conversely, if you want to fight for your marriage, committ to that as well and be prepared to suffer IT'S own special brand of pain in hopes that you will succeed in one of the hardest things we ever have to do in our lives.
Either way, life DOES feel bad for a lot of us right now but that is no reason to give in to the feelings of the moment. You CAN make a difference in your own life and should not feel victim to ANYONE, especially your WAS.
I think about each of you daily and wish each and every one of you success in whatever path you choose, just please, make sure you are CHOOSING something and not accepting a situation just because it feels right at the moment.
As the saying goes, "Stand up for something or you'll fall for anything."
Sometimes I wonder if you just happen to reside in my brain most of the time. Thank you for your open and honest post. Over the past week couple of weeks, I have been honestly grappling with where to go and what to do with my sitch. Its not as thought things have been horrible and in comparison to some others here, its been downright blissful. But, on the other hand, its been such a hard journey and I feel that I've learned much along the way and I still see my W still struggling with many issues and remaining emotionally listless towards me and our future. I don't know....to be fair, I am NOT blaming my W. It just is, what it is.
Reading your post, however, has reminded me that this is MY decision and that it has been MY choice to either change the dynamic or stay static. I know that I have taken a hard look at the "why" and I know in my heart that my actions up to know have been geared towards saving my M and also, hopefully, making it stronger for the future. That has been my goal. But yet, there is a small part of me that has locked away some emotion and feeling for fear of futher hurt. And that is what scares me the most because I have begun to feel rather to numb on some levels. That's what I don't want.
So, I digress, the point being, the choice is always left with the LBS and, as GH has pointed out, if you feel that giving up is your only option, make darn sure that it truly is your only option because it is likely that any pain that you still feel, will continue to be felt even after a split. The fact is, until you truly detach, you will still feel that pain, no matter the living arrangments or marital status. Why not learn emotional detachment, lovingly as opposed to emotional detachment in anger and spite?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Thanks for expanding and simplifying my rant. I should probably apologize for getting on my soap box but I am just tired in general and I thought it may do more good to just get that out of of my system and move on.
I HATE to see people giving up just when it seems like their situations warrant MORE effort, not less. You know, I was involved in a little debate on Muddle's thread about the "passive" nature of DB. Well, if you DB only until it hurts too much, then give up, then I guess they're right, it IS a passive thing.
I'd rather think of DB as one of the LEAST passive things you can do. You are not passive to your WAS, your emotions or anything else. You are MAKING hard decisions that are certainly not for the weak of heart and THAT to me is the sign of strength, NOT just giving in to anger, pain and despair. Giving in is what our WAS did and I WILL NOT DO THAT. If I decide to give up, it will not be in a time of pain, anger or despair (I hope). It will be because I know it's the best thing for me to do based on me exhausting all my options and giving my best effort to save my marriage. Just like the rest of you (well, most of you anyway) I hate to quote the good Dr. Phil but I too feel like I need "earn my right to quit" and my W having an affair is not enough credit in that bank.
There I go again...sorry. I really want to stop now. I am putting the soapbox away and taking a break for a bit...
GH--thanks for what you wrote, it really hit home and is what I needed to read today. I was feeling hesitant to pin any 'hope' in my sitch as to prepare myself for the worst, but I guess I'll just face that when I get there.
If you're not too busy, I could really use your wise advice on my thread in Piecing....
I aboslutely understand and agree with you (although I'm not so sure I simplified it). DBing is NOT being passive, it is being very assertive. Making changes in oneself is the hardest thing we can ever do, and by DBing, most of us are doing that. Making tough choices, dealing with our own issues and baggage, etc. I know from my own experience, that is NOT an easy thing to do. I've had to face many tough decisions and look within myself to determine how I can be a better person. How's that being passive?
As for the Dr. Phil thing, I can't agree more (although I don't necessarily think he's the "source"). and for the benefit of everyone who is reading this, I will reiterate...you have to earn the right to leave a relationship. And furthermore, you haven't earned that right until you can look your partner in the eyes and tell them that its over, without anger, resentment, pain, etc.
I don't know much about the debate on Muddle's thread, but I do know that many people have vented on this board about being done, throwing in the towel, going dark, etc....and I imagine that 99% of that sort of talk is just rhetoric. It seems to me that if you truly are prepared to throw in the towel, its a lot less likely that you'll do it by announcing it to the board. By I digress...as long as they are merely venting on here and doing the right things in their lives, then I guess it doesn't matter.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
GH, Sorry to jump in here, but this caught my eye. i am trying so hard to detach. I can't seem to just give it up to God. I can't seem to just be happy with me. Part of me feels like there is so much unsaid. So much that needs to be worked out. My W said she got over me. How do I just get over this? Go to the gym? I will just think about it. I am locked in my own prison.
GH, your thread is the best place for your rant, because it needs to be said, and your threads are the most read on these boards due to your willingness to give lots of good advice. PARob, your post is right on target.
Unfortunately (and I'm not the first to notice this), there ARE those on this board who interpret DB'ing as a passive thing. They are either unable or unwilling to self-evaluate. They don't really GAL. They don't experiment and monitor results. They don't do 180's.
All they do is complain every day about how awful their spouses are and how bad they feel. I'm not saying that venting is bad -- quite the opposite. But venting doesn't do anything to advance your sitch, and venting doesn't have anything to do with DB'ing.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
