In an open letter to all here who want to give up, and it seems like there are a few around these days. That is YOUR choice. The most important thing in DB, or ANY technique for saving a marriage, is WANTING to save said marriage. Isn't part of what WE fault them for is giving up on their vows? Oh, but WE have reason to do that, right? What about all the things they think gave them the right to cheat? I think THEY believe that they are JUST AS JUSTIFIED in their actions as we do when we want to just give up the idea of our marriage and get a divorce. That's what DB is all about, saying, yes, the affair IS EVIL but so too is all the other toxic crap in our marriages, some of which is OUR toxic crap. We accept our role AND their role, accept the situation and then begin the task of rebuilding OURSELVES in the mold we choose, hoping that in doing so, we will affect the necessary change in the dynamic our our R with our WAS. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't but we are ALL the better off for the valient attempt.
I KNOW this is hard, if it wasn't, then more marriages WOULD be saved. In the end, it's your choice. The sad part is that when many people finally GET that it's their choice, they choose to give up rather than fight.
If you see that you have to start making choices, why not just make a choice to put yourself first in all matters and understand that you CAN do that without getting a divorce or seperation. You want to "end things" with the WAS anyway, why not just detach from them, i.e. end your dependance on them for filling ANY need of yours and move on with your life. You CAN do that without being angry or mean and in that way, you get to be free from the pain and still save divorce for later.
Look, I love my W and believe that what we are going through WILL make us stronger, or at the very least, ME stronger. I encourage all of you to look hard at your goals and decide if what you are REALLY after is saving your marriage rather than simply ending your pain.
I suggest that even IF you give up and accept divorce as the best option, your pain will hardly end there, especially if you have kids. This man or woman WILL be in your li fe for the forseeable future so the pain you associate with them, the pain you can't escape from today will likely be there for a LONG time.
I just wanted to take this opportunity to encourage anyone contemplating giving up (and by that, I mean pursuing a divorce just because it seems like nothing else will work to end their situation/pain) to really think about that and decide if that's what they want. If it is, then make that choice, of clear and sound mind and then be prepared to live with it's consequences, good, bad or ugly. Conversely, if you want to fight for your marriage, committ to that as well and be prepared to suffer IT'S own special brand of pain in hopes that you will succeed in one of the hardest things we ever have to do in our lives.
Either way, life DOES feel bad for a lot of us right now but that is no reason to give in to the feelings of the moment. You CAN make a difference in your own life and should not feel victim to ANYONE, especially your WAS.
I think about each of you daily and wish each and every one of you success in whatever path you choose, just please, make sure you are CHOOSING something and not accepting a situation just because it feels right at the moment.
As the saying goes, "Stand up for something or you'll fall for anything."
