Anyway, the saga continues... When I got home from work last night, W was downstairs preparing dinner. I helped out and we had a nice dinner together with the family even though the kids brought up some negative stuff about the move on Saturday. After dinner W just went upstairs to her 'space' and we didn't hear from her for the rest of the night.
This morning, she came down only once, compared to 5 times yesterday. She came over to me and gave me a kiss when she came in and a hug and kiss five minutes later when she left.
W called me at work and asked me to take her out dancing tonight. I'm thrilled, I'm confused, and I accepted, of course. I don't know what to think right now. I'll let you know how it went tomorrow.
Thanks rayanne. It’s been an interesting but pretty uneventful week up until last night. W and I had a little disagreement over finances earlier in the week, but we went out dancing last night and had a blast. W stayed downstairs with me. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but this is certainly a very positive turn.
The last couple of days have been, to say the least, very interesting. Since my W moved upstairs two weeks ago, I’ve managed to keep my distance and give her all of the space that she so desperately needed.
W would come down every morning to say goodbye to the kids. Some mornings she would give me a kiss, some mornings she wouldn’t. In the afternoons, most days, she would be in the house when I got home from work starting to prepare dinner. After dinner, she would either just go upstairs or go into the den and fall asleep on the couch for a while, then go upstairs.
While she was downstairs with us, I remained pleasant, upbeat and just went about my business of taking care of the kids, the house and myself. While she was up in her apartment, I left her alone. As a matter of fact, I did not go into the apartment once nor did I call her or disturb her at all when she was home. I just went about my business. If she was around, it was fine. If she wasn’t around, it was fine too.
The kids kind of kept their distance too. They went up into the apartment a couple of times, but really stayed away (no coaxing from me). She tried to bribe them a couple of times with snacks, but that really didn’t work.
Early last week, we had some heated words about the financial arrangements, but that was really the only time that things weren’t pleasant. As a matter of fact, when I saw her later that same day, I acted as if everything was fine. She commented to the tune of why I was acting so nice when I was so heated with her earlier. I told her that I wasn’t mad at her.
On Wednesday, I went out in the evening to get the kids some chocolates for Valentine’s Day. I couldn’t decide whether or not to get something for the W, so I picked up a small heart filled with chocolates and figured I could decide if it was appropriate or not to give her the gift on Thursday. No card, by the way.
Thursday morning, I got the surprise. W called me at work and told me what she was planning on preparing for dinner (something a little special), and then asked me if I would take her out dancing that night. After I recovered from the shock, I accepted the invitation. W always enjoyed dancing. We met in a dance club and always enjoyed going to functions where we would be able to dance.
When I got home, I gave the kids their chocolates and then handed her the heart. She seemed really surprised and happy that I thought to get her something. We went out to a dance club for a couple of hours, danced, had a couple of drinks, and then came back to the house. I took the opportunity and asked her if she wanted to stay downstairs with me for the night. She first said no, but would stay on Friday and then decided that she would stay.
Well, she stayed Friday night and last night. We had a wonderful time. No OR stuff at all. She said a couple of times how much she enjoyed being with me. I commented how nice it was to finally see her happy. She agreed.
She is working tonight and won’t get home until after 2am. She said that she wanted to sleep upstairs because she wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to wake me when she got home. I told her that was fine, even though I would certainly prefer her to sleep with me. After coming this far, I don’t want to pressure her in any way at all.
I truly feel that the reason the fog seems to be lifting is because I gave her the space that she needed without questions and respected her boundaries. I waited patiently for her to make the first move. I reacted positively to the move, but not overly enthusiastic.
By the way, I have restrained from giving any ILYs over the past couple of days even though I’ve been tempted. I’ve called her ‘my love’ and used some other endearing phrases, but no ILYs (yet). I am honestly starting to see some of the love and passion beginning to return. Just by the little things she says and by her body language. She is beginning to enjoy my company again. This afternoon we went for a long walk together.
This has been a long, long journey that is not over yet. I don’t think that I would be where I am now without the kind support and advice of all of the wonderfully caring people on this board and without sticking to the basic DB principles. I’ll keep you posted with my progress.
The past 2 weeks have been very positive. I took my W on a very spontaneous trip to Miami. Very romantic and lots of fun. She is spending some nights downstairs with me and some nights upstairs in her apartment but she no longer locks the door. We spend lots of time together. We have engaged in small doses of OR talk. We both agree that the progress is wonderful. She has finally agreed to joint counseling. She is starting to feel comfortable that the changes are for real, although she has said that her uncertainty is still there.
I have been giving her no pressure to move back downstairs, although I let her know in no uncertain terms that we all want her back home. I think that the fact that I gave her the space to retreat when she wanted to, allowed her to feel more comfortable being with me. This space is allowing her to return at a pace that makes her comfortable. And every day she is becoming more and more my loving W again.
Ron, I'm glad that you're still following my thread. I really think that I have a success story brewing here.
Just a couple of months ago things looked so bleak. W talked in absolute negatives. She din't love me and never loved me. She couldn't remember a time when she did love me. Letting go lovingly and sincerely with no pressure absolutely does work. We laugh together now and enjoy each othe's company. I look forward to coming home so that we can spend time together. We are going out on a date every Thursday night, even if its just for a cup of coffee.
I still keep the ILYs to a minimum. Talk is cheap. She sees by my actons how I feel about her. She is beginning to realize that it is for real and not just an act to win her back.
