Jill, your so right, I'm really ok with being alone. I just can't settle Jill, I don't have to. I've been alone, I've survived, I'm ok, what's better then that.
Why would I want to live the rest of my life with someone that can't truly be happy. I JUST WON'T SETTLE!
Yes Jill I know where you are...........thank you so much.
I found you over here in Piecing. You do what you need to do. We all want what's best for our Friend. I truly understand where you are when you say he can't truly be happy. I've been there. I can't take responsibility for someone else's unhappiness. Neither can you. In reality, he's been given so much from you. If he wants it - it's there. It is your x's choice from here on in. You know you'll be ok, either way.
Just stopped by to see how you are doing. And really you are doing well considering. Being on your own (notice I didn't say alone) is a great thing. Better than having some whiney PIA.
Hang in there. Your H is blowing it with a truly superb woman.
I feel like I have missed what has happened in your situation since he said he wanted to come home. Did he end it with OW? Has he moved home? What things is he doing that is making you feel hopeless about his happiness. Is he expecting things from you or just not giving to the R?
I understand your frustration and you are right, you are not responsible for his happiness but I know that they can make us feel like we are.
I fear my H may be one who is always on the search for happiness, whether a new car, bike, OW? He may never be happy with me.
wed2
wed2alien
Both 49, M 23 years 3 teens April 2004- bomb, moved out April 2006-Ended with OW for the LAST time May 2006- He wants to work on the marriage!! Nov 2006-- Moved home May 2008- Things still getting better
Friend, Sorry that I missed your call the other day--and also sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now.
When your X first said that he wanted to try again, he said that he would do anything to prove how much he wanted your R fixed. Has he? Is he receiving counseling like he said he would? Or perhaps you two need couples counseling. Is he taking anti-depressants? Is he staying away from OW?
You are right, you can't be expected to be responsible for his happiness. And no, piecing is probably harder than any of us every imagine--especially after a 5 year seperation. You are dealing with your hurt and anger about your X living with OW for so long. You know that I know how you feel about that. I also know that your feelings for your X have changed also. You have so much to forgive him for and there is so much dirty water under the bridge.
Your old relationship is gone--sometimes we just have to let it go because the damage runs too deep.
But I am not saying that you cannot have a new relationship with your X. Possibly an even better one. I guess that just depends on whether you can both forgive each other, deal with the past and put it behind you, and move forward into a new relationship with everything that you have learned.
I hope that you can give this the time that it deserves. He has been gone a long time and also had a different life. I'm sure that this is just as hard for him as it is for you. I think sometimes we expect things to go back to the way they were, and I really don't think that is possible--or if that is really what either of you would want.
I was trying to remember how long they said it took to heal a marriage. Years I believe. It's a slow and painful process, and you both have to want it.
Give it time Friend. This will take time and alot of work. Don't give up until you have no doubt in your mind that your X isn't the man that you want in your life anymore. You have prayed for so long for this chance. Don't give up until you are sure that that is what is right for you.
No matter what you decide, you know that you will always have my support.
I'm so glad that you posted - I have been thinking about you so much. I am not happy that things are not going so well. I don't want to be a pessimist but I really understand what you are saying. I lived through it when my ex moved back home. It was awful. He was so depressed.
Your friends here all understand. Their posts are so good -right on target. You've done so well without him. Don't let him ruin it. He HAS to do the work or it will never get better. Don't let him suck you back into the depression and drama.
I know you must still love him in order to want to give it another go. That is admirable. I wish it were going better for you.
My ex was never content. Always wanted bigger and better. My BF is always content - what a difference that makes!
"Contentment comes not from having what you want, but from wanting what you have".
Just wanted to answer a few questions that were asked.
Yes, my Ex moved out on his own. Yes, he is on Anti Depression meds. Yes, he is going to counseling. Yes, he told O/W he missed his family and wanted to make it work. Is he still talking to her, I think so, not very much, but I still think some. Is he seeing her, I don't know, but don't think so.
Haven't gotten to the point of spying.............just don't want to go there.
I really don't think he's putting the effort in it as much as I expected, but then again maybe I expected to much. I remember all the things he said, how much he would prove it to me, how much he would make it up to me. And I really don't feel that happening. I still feel it is ALL ABOUT HIM. Still, and it might always be.
He's still confused, I can see it. And the problem now is, I just don't know how much longer I can hang in here.
I get asked out all the time, but I don't except, I truly want to give this a try but...................geeze, how long do I have to wait, its been 5 frigin years.
Just frustrated!!! But I will give it some more time....how much more, who knows.
I know the day will come when I will have to say something to him, I just know it, it's just a matter of time. I've never held back telling him how I've felt, I'm sure I will continue, it's just me.
So, that's it..............taking it day by day, hoping he turns into my Prince Charming and doesn't continue being my frog.
Friend I've been thinking a lot about your thread.
I was so happy to see that someone seemed to be reconciling with their h after such a long time.
I wish that I could do the same thing.
I'm really not surprised to hear how difficult you are finding it.
I read somewhere that the reason more second marriages fail is because the person has been through a divorce before and survived it. They know how scared they were before yet they coped. Second time around it's just not so scary.
For us LBS's we too were scared. We didn't know how we would cope on our own. But we do. We survived. You know that you can cope on your own. You know that you can survive. And you know that you can be happy.
Now we choose to be single.
Good luck. I so hope everything works out well for you and your h.
Things are still not going well atleast not for me. Not sure about him because I hardly hear from him. If this is the way he wanted to do everything to make it up to me......wow, he hasn't done anything.
I believe he's still talking to FUG, and she's so understanding, you know, I'll be here for you if it doesn't work out but give it a try. blah, blah, blah, so munipulating, and I'm sure he falls for it to a certain extent.
So I'm just dark, I don't call.......I'm just going on with my life like I did before BUT it feels like I'm back in LIMBO LAND, and I hate that feeling.
So, so far this really SUCKS, hate to be full of bad news but it just does!!
