More OR talks last night. She initiated them. She is blaming me for my daughter being so angry at her, and she’s angry that I didn’t stop my daughter from throwing her stuff out when she moved back and for the incident with the pants last week. She thinks that I used the kids to defend me.
Not sure. I’ve been thinking of making myself a little less accessible. Throughout or OR talks, I’ve been telling her that I want to work to fix the marriage. I’m just thinking of implying that I’m starting to move on.
I never knew that there could be so many cheeseless tunnels.
Ron's earlier suggestion of the "take it or leave it" attitude is probably the best route to go. Lately, I've been letting her know that I don't want to leave it. I'm not acting needy or anything, just loving and caring. It doesn't seem to be working.
I picked up Harley's book, His needs, Her needs at the library on Saturday. I going to give it a look. His website has alot of good insight into infidelity.
John, The take or or leave it attitude may be a good 180 for you. Look at it this way. You may say your not being needy but telling her you want to work on your marriage may come off that way. If she is going through MLC its best to just give her plenty of room, sort of like a teenager. She is acting out and blaming others. 1st thing to do when she is blaming may be to walk away. Like I said before, just cut the conversation short and excuse yourself. Don't make her problems yours. That worked a great deal after I let go of my ex. You really don't have to listen to it anymore or validate it. Don't try making excuses for your D's behavior, as a matter of fact when she starts blaming you for her behavior, tell her to go talk to D if she wants to hear the truth. Another 180 is to start sporting some new clothes, get a haircut, or really trip her out by getting an ear ring. Let her know that life is too short to wait around for her. Take the kids away for the weekend again. You saw what happened last time. Point is you have never really given her a chance to see what life is like without you. If she does the chkbook, take it away. It is part of being married to you so she does not get it. There is a book called tough love I think. It sounds like the being there, sensitive guy approach is not working and is that really you sucking down all those eggs?? Go dark. its worked for many here. Curiousity killed the cat. Maybe thats what om had going for him and she miss's the drama. Live your life like she's never coming back. "as if". And if she does not you will be way ahead of the game.. Rondo
BTW John, One thing I discovered through my wonderful journey was that I am a saver. I did not want my precious wife to fall on her face or experience any pain or discomfort. I gave her money and kept letting her walk on me. It was only till I grew a pair back that she finally started having some respect for me. My buddy talkede to her last week and she expressed how good I am doing with the kids and my life. He said she bought it up. Its a long journey, have fun with it..
I’m being a saver too. I’ve been trying to save my W from the hurt that she will feel when she hits bottom. During a conversation, when I see that she is not getting it, I stop short of raising my voice and just end the discussion. In her mind, she’s the only one not at fault.
You sound like you were in the room with me during the daughter conversation. As soon as she started blaming me for my D’s behavior, I suggested that she just ask the kids. Her counter was to say that my actions were showing the kids one thing and my words were saying the opposite.
I took the checkbook and all of the financial responsibilities from her on the day that I moved back in. I have been cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. She has just started to help out.
Now that she want to move into our upstairs apartment, maybe I should push her a little. Maybe I should show her that I am a little anxious for her to move.
Going dark did work to get her home. I guess its time for another dose.
John, I think sometimes you are still trying to reason with her. Would you reason with a two year-old? It's kinda the same thing right now. Don't waste your time and create bad feelings. It's not worth it. It probably stresses you out too. Just a thought... rayanne
