Well John, you had a backslide.
Believe me I know how hard it is to be patient and its easy to give you advice now when I was the king of bugging my ex to realize what she was doing to me and the boys.

Try and put it behind you for now. Its sooo hard to do but you must take the idea that she is an adult and if you question what she is doing she will feel very put off.
It took awhile after my ex moved out to get that attitude and I ended up divorced anyway but she is slowly coming towards me and I am very nervous about that.
My goal has been to be interested somewhat in what she is doing. Not question anything that has to do with her life unless it directly affects the kids.
Remember John. All the decisions she makes right now she has to deal with the rest of her life.
If that means the kids dislike her or she lose's you forever, she has to live with that, not you.
Just do the best thing you can for you and your kids.
Also make consequences. If she wants to move into a seperate apt on the property, let her know that means your utility bills get bigger and you will expect her to pay you rent.
Or if you can do it tell her you would rather she move back in with om. State it would be better for the kids and yourself.
Only state yourself with no concern for her and wish her happiness.
Open the cage door and let her fly. Why should you live with someone who does not love you?
The problem I see right now is she knows that you love her and would bend over backwards for her.
Stop, let her suffer even though it will hurt you to see it.
My ex's life has gotten no better. She has put on pds and acts happy when I see her.
As a matter of fact my ex LF told me after we broke up That I seemed to be handling it just fine. In some ways I was, in some I was not but the key here is to not let it show. Especiually with your wife. The more you show, the more she will run. Pursuit and distance.
Somebody, I think it was Lucky posted a story about a gerbil. The more the guy chased it and paid attention to it, the more it ran. When he had practically forgot about it through very intense trying to it came to him.
Be the best actor you can be. "whatever" is your buzz word.
You have a chance I never had if you can forgive her infidelity.

Otherwise John. Call it quits. I hate to say that but trusting and healing after infidelity is very tough. Most people can't and no one would call you a failure if you couldn't. It may take a couple of years of becoming friends again for that to happen.
Regards Ron