I’m glad to finally be posting here. I certainly realize that this stage of repairing our R is just another beginning. My story is detailed in two threads starting in Sexual Issues and continuing in I Need Support. I’ll give you a brief overview to save you the reading:
Married 18 years with 2 children, 16 and 12 years old. In mid August, my W dropped the bomb and asked for a separation. I was a typical WAW scenario. She indicated at the time that once I had moved out, that she would be open to reconciliation. During this time she was pushing me into mediation for a legal separation agreement. What followed were the typical begging, pleading and “I’ll change” stuff. I moved out in late September, discovered DB, and started to apply the principals.
In late October, I found out that my W was having an affair through a phone call that my son received from the panicked W of the OM. Once confronted, W denied any physical contact with OM and agreed to break it off. The breakup lasted just a few days. The following week, she admitted to being intimate with him.
At this point, I decided to move back home and take charge of my family. Two days later, my W told my 12-year-old daughter that mom has a boyfriend and that she is in love with him. My daughter was crushed. The atmosphere in the house was very uncomfortable for the next couple of weeks. In the beginning of December, my W announced to all of us that she was moving out. She took an apartment with OM and was living like a honeymooner. She showed up at the house every day to visit the kids. Neither of them wanted to see her. They eventually asked me to change the locks.
After 2 � weeks, W spoke to a lawyer and realized that her abandonment could affect custody issues so she decided to move back home. The kids reacted by throwing her clothes out the door when she came in. Although she was living in the house, the kids hardly spoke to her; I didn’t cook for her or do her laundry. Conversation was brief and curt. The day after Christmas, W and daughter had words which led W to pack her stuff and leave again. She returned home at the end of the day.
As you can see, W is quite confused. I decided that we needed to leave her alone for a while, so I took the kids skiing for a couple of days and when we got home on New Years Eve, W was sitting at the table in tears. She said that she was lonely over the weekend and that had made her think about wanting her family back again. She said that she had broken up with OM and wants to try and reconcile. For the first time she admitted to needing therapy.
For the first couple of days, W was acting relatively loving and affectionate. My reaction was to revel in the feeling. I paid a lot of attention to her, especially that she hasn’t been feeling well. I did most of the cooking and cleaning, laundry, etc. We talked a lot and did a lot of hugging and kissing. I think that I may have come on a bit strong. By the weekend, she was starting to withdraw. We had a dreaded OR talk yesterday and she said that she is not ready to give me any reassurances about us. I told her that I understand and asked her to realize that this is a time when I really need some reassurances. I have since backed off a bit and continue to be loving. How should I proceed from here? Obviously the loving attention is not working. I am beginning to think that I should back off a lot, not just a little. It seems to be a very fragile point in the process and I would like to hear from anyone who can offer some guidance.
John, I'm almost in a parallel sitch w/ you as far as state of affairs w/ your W. My W finally went out on a date w/ me after being dark for 2 months and then she filed for D a month ago. We had a visit last week, and went well, then she asked me out to lunch the following day. Day after that we went on a date - out to dinner and then comedy club. Also went great. Two days later she called me to ask if I would take care of our dog while she went on a business trip. No problem. But when I got over there, she was very withdrawn, much like you describe. The affection that was there during the weekend had disappeared.
At this point I am backing off as much as I can. I am not going to call her, or ask her for more dates. She still needs space, as may be the case for your W too. My W also said some "what if" statements about reconsiling, but no guarantees. We need to just stay happy ourselves and let them continue to sort things out.
John, It seems that my W is very depressed at the moment. She is probably mourning the breakup with OM. She refuses to acknowledge all of the hurt that she put on the people around her that love her. She is still making herself out to be the victim. I'm truing to give her space, but I've also confronted her about her showing no remorse for the affair or for abandoning the kids.
I'm hoping that her therapy will bring her around (with or without drugs).
John, If you want your marriage to work you must stop trying to get her to admit guilt for the affair or abandoning the kids. She will run for the hills. You must forgive her and never bring it up again unless it is bought up by her in counseling. Don't you see the tremendous burden of guilt she must be carrying? That everyone knows what she did and will always be in the back of everyone's mind?
Let me tell you a story. When I was around 5 or 6, my mother left my father for a guy. I remember my mother bringing me around him, him trying to give me things and I just wanted nothing to do with him. My father demanded she come home. After awhile she did. My father handled it with her and then dropped it. Now, years later, as a matter of fact 2 summers ago my folks saw this guy at a car show. My dad commented to my mother that it was the guy she had fooled around on him with long ago. You know what? My mother denied it. Said she did not know who the guy was, would not even admit she knew him.
After all these years she has erased the pain she caused our family from her mind. It never happened. Easier for her to deal with then admitting she screwed up. My parents have been together 30+ pretty unhappy years but still together. Can you handle if she just wants to forget it? Can your family and kids do that? Or will you all look down on her for her sin? Put your self in her shoes. If your deciding to forgive her then do it. If you can't handle it let her go. Rondo
John, Forgive me for talking past you to Rondo as if you weren't here, but you already know that I sort of questioned that advice. But then you can always count on me to have an oppinion, right?
Thanks guys. That's a little difficult to understand. My daughter feels that if her mom doesn't talk about it and sort of come clean then how could she be forgiven. As far as I am concerned, I'm not sure if I have forgiven her. I think that I have. I am willing to put everything behind us and go on, but I'm still haunted by what she has done.
W was very upset with me tonight because of the incident with my daughter on Tuesday over the pants. She insists that I should have defended her instead of try and difuse the argument and allow my daughter to be angry with mom.
I told her that I was trying to protect both of them and that I really had trouble taking sides. W thinks that I am using my daughter to vent the anger that I have for her. I had a long talk with my daughter tonight and tried to explain to her that she should start trying to forgive mom and start treating her better, but my daughter said that she is still mad at mom.
I don't know if she wants to forget it. She talks about it like she was justified in doing it. That's what gets me. Like it was my fault that she did it. Isn't it important to the healing that she realize that this behavior is wrong regardless of what drove her to do it?
This is a real setback. Any suggestions on how to recover from this one?
John, I think if you push the point right now, W will walk. I don't think she is ready to deal with her guilt. I think she has to rationalize it in her own mind.
I think you should take your D aside and explain to her that when people are depressed, they sometimes make poor choices. Maybe you might want to use the word unhappy instead of depressed if you think it might get back to W. Anyway, I would explain to D that Mom is feeling really sad and needs her to be kind even if she is angry. Maybe you could suggest that it is okay to tell Mom that she is angry, but needs to be respectful.
We had a rule in our family that nobody used anybody else's things without asking. I don't recall anybody ever saying no (except maybe with the cars), but it was a courtesy issue. Never-the-less I think it is an issue with W because she feels ganged up on. In her mind she made a sacrifice.
I think if W gets her depression taken care of and you get some family and relationship things worked out, there will come a time when you might get an apology. I think it will take some time. I just wouldn't push for it right now.
I know it sucks! I certainly know why you feel entitled to have her say she's sorry.
That’s very sound advice. I think that W is coming on my daughter like gangbusters to try and regain her place as a disciplinarian again. I told W to go easy on D, and I told D to give mom a chance. They were great friends before all this happened.
Time is the killer here. I’m so anxious even though I know that it will take time.
It felt good.