I’m glad to finally be posting here. I certainly realize that this stage of repairing our R is just another beginning. My story is detailed in two threads starting in Sexual Issues and continuing in I Need Support. I’ll give you a brief overview to save you the reading:
Married 18 years with 2 children, 16 and 12 years old. In mid August, my W dropped the bomb and asked for a separation. I was a typical WAW scenario. She indicated at the time that once I had moved out, that she would be open to reconciliation. During this time she was pushing me into mediation for a legal separation agreement. What followed were the typical begging, pleading and “I’ll change” stuff. I moved out in late September, discovered DB, and started to apply the principals.
In late October, I found out that my W was having an affair through a phone call that my son received from the panicked W of the OM. Once confronted, W denied any physical contact with OM and agreed to break it off. The breakup lasted just a few days. The following week, she admitted to being intimate with him.
At this point, I decided to move back home and take charge of my family. Two days later, my W told my 12-year-old daughter that mom has a boyfriend and that she is in love with him. My daughter was crushed. The atmosphere in the house was very uncomfortable for the next couple of weeks. In the beginning of December, my W announced to all of us that she was moving out. She took an apartment with OM and was living like a honeymooner. She showed up at the house every day to visit the kids. Neither of them wanted to see her. They eventually asked me to change the locks.
After 2 � weeks, W spoke to a lawyer and realized that her abandonment could affect custody issues so she decided to move back home. The kids reacted by throwing her clothes out the door when she came in. Although she was living in the house, the kids hardly spoke to her; I didn’t cook for her or do her laundry. Conversation was brief and curt. The day after Christmas, W and daughter had words which led W to pack her stuff and leave again. She returned home at the end of the day.
As you can see, W is quite confused. I decided that we needed to leave her alone for a while, so I took the kids skiing for a couple of days and when we got home on New Years Eve, W was sitting at the table in tears. She said that she was lonely over the weekend and that had made her think about wanting her family back again. She said that she had broken up with OM and wants to try and reconcile. For the first time she admitted to needing therapy.
For the first couple of days, W was acting relatively loving and affectionate. My reaction was to revel in the feeling. I paid a lot of attention to her, especially that she hasn’t been feeling well. I did most of the cooking and cleaning, laundry, etc. We talked a lot and did a lot of hugging and kissing. I think that I may have come on a bit strong. By the weekend, she was starting to withdraw. We had a dreaded OR talk yesterday and she said that she is not ready to give me any reassurances about us. I told her that I understand and asked her to realize that this is a time when I really need some reassurances. I have since backed off a bit and continue to be loving. How should I proceed from here? Obviously the loving attention is not working. I am beginning to think that I should back off a lot, not just a little. It seems to be a very fragile point in the process and I would like to hear from anyone who can offer some guidance.
