I am so sorry to hear this. And I appologize for not checking in on you. I've been really working on my own and I've been visiting fam for a month while he figured stuff out.
I do know that my H came around. Maybe it was because the OW lived in another state so he couldn't just see her whenever and that benefited me, (it lasted almost exactly 6 months like the book mentions!) And he told me that he noticed my changes and was making sure it wasn't just me out of a book, but the real me. But he's still lived with me most of this time, so I was able to show my changes more easily than you.
I am really sorry about how things have unfolded. Sometimes we can "fix" ourselves, but our Spouse just won't "fix" themselves. We can't make them do anything.
I would think that maybe you shouldn't file for divorce, because then you would have to start paying child support right? You can continue with your new life and if in the meantime you happen to find someone perfect, you could think about filing? Also, whos to say that if she does move in with the OM they won't get along as well as they thought (especially with kids being involved) and she will see things in a new light.
But whatever you do, remember that God has turned this horrible disgusting thing into something good. You would never be the man you are now, if it hadn't been for all this. You are going to become someone great, successful, and strong, and someone your children will hope to become or marry someone like!!!
You are a wonderful guy, and keep making yourself a better person and continue to rely and trust on God to get you through.
In Christ Love, Crissy
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Chrissy, first of all I want to thak you for taking the time to check up on me... it means alot.
I think at this point my w and I are over. she is in the middle of moving herself and my kids in with om. I've come to a place where I can deal with that.
the big picture is her health. she has a tumor on her kidney and cist on herbovaries as well as possible returning ovarian cancer. health wise she is in bad shape and I'm scared to death I'll be raising my kids on my own. I'll update that as I can I can.
For myself, I've been doing alot of working out for my wrstling adventure and alot of partying. I am trying to have as much fun as possible while holding my responsibilities.
I really appreciate everyone who has advised me along the way. I'll keep you all updated as much as I can.
Your welcome. I don't check here very often, but I will write when I do.
I think right now your W needs our prayers. It does sound like she's in very scary condition and for her to pass away would be worse than what is happening now, even if it makes more sense than what she is doing to you.
I think that is great about your working out and doing wrestling! That's awesome! I would caution, however, the partying. I hope that your not just going out to clubs all the time and getting drunk. It may be fun and might make you feel good, but it won't help the problem.
Remember to keep praying, and asking God for wisdom and understanding.
I will say some prayers for you and your wife as well.
God Bless, Crissy
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Not sure how many here will remember me, haven't posted in a couple months. But here's an update.
Wife's not out of the woods yet with her health, but it is much better. Not sure what the tumor was/is but it's not cancer and they were able to drain it, now she need to have surgery to completely remove it and make sure that it doesn't come back.
NOt really sure where the relationship is now. After I quit dbing I started to date and figured out that that isn't what I want, I want to be back with my Wife. She still lives with her bf but lately I'm getting the feeling that there may be trouble in paradise.
Lately, for a couple weeks, we (my W and I) have been exchanging fantasies, she tells me about hers which she says are almost always involving me. Can't really figure that one out. Next week is our anniversary, maybe that has something to do with it.
I sent her flowers last week...to her house. I don't think It went over well with bf but she never really said one way or the other, and I didn't ask. I'm gonna send more on our anniversary. She did seem to appreciate them.
I have a few theories here but I'd like to wait to see what some one else thinks before I get carried away.
Not sure if sending the flowers was a good idea, but if she seemed appreciative, then that is good.
It really sounds like there might still be hope. I think you just need to hang in there, and because of how far it got, it might really take some time, but you two have children together and you will always be a part of each others lives forever, so you might as well try as hard as you can to make it work.
Just remember to control any anger you have and frustration. Give yourself a 10 sec rule or something before you react to something. We want her to be able to feel safe and secure with you. Continue to show compassion and encouragement to her, unless that doesn't work.
On the anniversary, remember DBing also states DON'T say "I love you". So it may be good to just appologize. Appologize for not understanding her needs in the past. Tell her that she is strong for going thru her tumor. Tell her that you are here for her now.
I wouldn't go too much further than that. Just my opinion though.
I also wouldn't bombard her with gifts either. My DB counselor said that we need to treat them as we would a good friend or brother or sister. Unless that is a part of your 180 and she had always wanted gifts before but you never gave them. Have you ever written her a letter? I absolutely love letters, and hardly ever get them, but I melt anytime I do.
My H finally came around end of July. He never moved out, did spend nite at his friends multiple times, (OW lived in another state), so it never got anywhere as far as yours, but he totally wanted a D. But after DBing for 4-6 months, he is back in my life and has said he wants me to be his wife forever. it's not perfect, but we're trying thank the Lord!
So don't give up. It sounds very promising that your exchanging fantasies. She's doing it for a reason, and she's unconsiously trying to get the response she is looking for, so keep a careful watch to how she is responding to you so you can see if what your doing is working or not.
God Bless, I'll keep praying for you guys... and a praise for no cancer!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Too late on the "I love you", we've had several R talks over the last week and a half or so and I told her I was gonna be honest about my feelings and that's how I feel. I explained how the past few months have changed me and my attitude, look on life...basically everything. Pointed out where I've made mistakes. At this point though, I think it's kinda same old same old for her.
The fantasy thing took a bit of a leep today, don't want to go into detail but let's just say it escalated a little bit.
Not expecting anything from her at this point, just going with it and watching.
AS far as the flowers go, I'm doin it for his benefit a bit. Yes it is a 180 for me but I also want him to understand that I didn't drop off the planet...I'm still gonna be around.
I think that it is okay to take a time to state how you truely feel. Are you saying it still? Just wondering. I think it would be best if it is not said at all, at least until she gets to the point that she really does love you again, fully.
I totally understand why you want to send the flowers. That makes perfect sense. Just be careful. I don't think it would be a good idea for her to see you "competing" for her. I don't know. I'm just thinking she might feel pressured or something.
I hope some other DB members will reply to your sitch again. I'm not a veteran by all means, but I did use the techniques and they worked for me. So I have a little experience.
Keep up the good work, it sounds like your doing much better now, and I'm glad to hear it.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I am really glad that things turned around for you, you're proof that there is hope.
I certainly don't want her to feel pressured. She is constantly saying how no one has ever just loved her, or made her feel loved. Everyone always dumps on her. I'm just trying to be that person and show her that I do love her. I don't want her to have to guess. I also know that I am going a bit overboard but I think it has to do with the anniversary only days away. That other significant dates have been hell for me(her bday, the kids bday, my bday...) so I'm trying to make this one as positive as I can.
That makes a lot of sense. Just becareful not too get too hopeful, because she may have a lot of guilt on that day and decide to keep her distance from you so she wont have to "face" up to it.
But definitely, try to keep that day positive, you have been through a horible trial and you've stuck thru it. You are definitely a strong man and you have God supporting you thru it, and all of us too.
Remember to try not to get too intimate in what you say (unless she starts it) because I believe she needs to move slowly and she also needs to feel that she is making these decisions and not to feel pressured. This is going to take some real time because of how deep the hole she has dug herself into. There are going to be many potholes so keep hanging in there.
Another thing to think about is this.
Depending on what you are doing for your W in the presense of the OM... this OM may or may already be becoming jealous. That may either cause him to step up in the "competition" or pressure her himself (which could be a good thing). The problem with the competition part, is that he may start to do just exactly what your doing. Does that make sense? I'm thinking you just need to be really careful because you don't want him to start competing.. right? I would think that would be a bad thing. just my opinion though.
Good luck on your anni, and have a good day no matter what happens or who you are with.
I am proud of you and happy that you've decided that you want to be with your W.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hope you have a good Thanksgiving. Be sure to let us know how things are going.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
