We went to a wedding. Seems one of the SSW has bitten the dust. She got married yesterday. The rest of the local chapter of the SSW, including the OM, was there... (SSW is the Sisterhood of Separated Women, a society dedicated to expanding their membership through encouraging others to end their marriages and join their ranks. Sometimes, sparated Men are allow honorary membership. Even SSW needs occasional Male companionship.) On the way there, we drove past the OM pulling out of his condo complex. W grabbed my knee and gave it a squeeze. I grabbed her hand and kissed it and said thanks, you're nice.
Later, after the wedding, there was another pool party, and when we arrived, OM's car was there, as like last time. I kind of took a deep breath (been reading Deida, and he's really into breathing and "keeping you front open"... it works). W said, are you OK with this??? I said sure, and made like OM wasn't my issue... I said are you OK? So the day went fine.
Interestingly, OM made no effort to talk to me, made no effort to be friendly (he usually does... some kind of fascade or foil or provocation... who knows which). Since I've been being friendly to him, initiating chatty conversations, he has withdrawn somewhat, it seems. Interesting...
Anyway, I'm still backing way off in any hostility toward him. I used to kind of "growl" at him in private -- when we passed in a private hall, if we chanced upon each other in a store. Now, I'm cooly friendly, socially cordial. Like you would be with a vague aquaintance. He is still part of W's social circle, especially tennis. He's still on her main team, thought not her direct playing partner. She still see a lot of him, but I don't believe ever alone, only with the group, and the others on her team are all happyily married. She seems also to be spending more time with happily marrieds, and avoiding the SSW -- to the point of holding them in contempt.
So, here's my wonder, the reason for the post... As I mentioned, she occasionally makes motions to reassure me when he's around. She occasionally askes if I'm OK with the casual contact I have with him. I'd like to ask her how she's doing with her casual contact with him. If she's got pangs, if she sees that contact as a conflict to our improving. If she ever is torn about what her current relationship path and partner should be, and if she would or could like to talk about it. I know this is really an off limits area in general, but in the context of being her friend, I wonder if I open up to the possibility of talking about her feelings here... if I can open up a new level of trust and therefore further break down secrets and increase intimacy by showing her that I am willing to, and can be her must trusted and supportive confidant even in the most difficult of topics... The key is to be totally detached, to be completely unjudgemental and unconditionally supportive.
I haven't a clue how to pursue this approach. I'm scared to death to try. But I believe it could work. Anyone have any ideas???
