I guess I've been at this so long that I get worn down pretty easily. Where once all I did was look for 'baby steps', now I don't so readily notice them. Where once I compared today to 6 months ago, I now find my self comparing today to last week, and hence see little change.
Today was C. I came away feeling down. Sex came up, and I suppose that I accidentally place the wrong emphasis on it, or maybe they both expect me to. If it's mentioned (C started it) it always seems that I am blamed for making it a bigger deal than it really is to me, and there's a shut down. It's very frustrating to be misunderstood, as well as to have the subject of sex almost always become a sore subject.
Anyway, that was not what got me down. At one point, C asked W if she still wanted to continue with the marriage. W said "it's easier than getting out". Great, my W who once said the among the reasons she was unhappy with the marriage because she felt she was just "settling" for it is now just "settling" for it. I don't know it this is good or bad... if this is frustrated fatigue with her internal conflicts and battles or a realistic lowering of expectations. It doesn't feel good tho.
I'm tired and I don't know if I want to go on with this. I'm tired of being blamed for her unhappiness, and help responsible for her happiness. Though today she said that she has certainly noticed my changes, and complimented me on them, in the next breath she says something that essentially says she's not confident it can work based on things that happened in the past. She told C today about incidents from the past and told her this was within the past 6 months... by my memory, there has been no such incident in 3 years.... but it's still vivid in her memory. How do you beat the ghost of the errors of your past? So, W sees positive change, compliments me about it, but is fearful of the past, can't see the future, and finds the present totally unacceptable. But, once again will not end the marriage or leave, nor does she really do anything to change it.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm hitting myself in the head with a hammer so it will feel good when I stop...
So, off tomorrow for a 10 day family vacation... Our assignment from the C.... be playful. I'm tired. W's skeptical. Should be fun. I'll let you know when I get back...
