Out of curiosity...why do you feel your W is "needy" for seeking your validation? If that's a love language of hers (WOA) then I don't view that as needy....but it sounds Iand correct me if I'm wrong) that you look down on her for this. Perhaps that's not the right way to say it, but at the minimum it sounds like you may view that as a weakness.
I don't know if you are like this, but my H in the past would often withhold what I was asking for, just because I asked for it. I rarelyreceived WOA from him. He'd brag about me when I wasn't around...our friends/family all knew how wonderful he thought I was....but "I" never heard those words...and so never felt loved or validated.
What I mean by my W needing validation is praise and compliments for what ever she does. At times in the past I have had the feeling of there being almost a competition with her. When I remodeled the upstairs attic in our previous house, putting in a bedroom and full bath, then landscaping the yard, building a gorgeous treehouse/playhouse for the kids, she would get jealous when friends and neighbors would compliment me. The same happened here with our present house when I built a treehouse/deck for the kids.
She never got the kind of praise from her dad that I think she wanted. I think her brothers got that, since they were boys. She says her mother did praise her for being independent and self sufficient, that her mother never had to worry about her, but her sister was always the “pretty” one. Consequently she tried to be more “male” and has a dislike for the traditional feminine roles, like homemaker and wife. She identifies with being a mother since she can justify the mother/child bonding as something “stupid” unemotional men cannot do. Her way of dealing with all this was more to pull me down than pump herself up.
It is also indicative of her damage since she definitely falls into the not wanting to want camp. Whenever she does get praise, she has a hard time accepting it. It makes her feel uncomfortable. So on one hand she wants praise and on the other hand she turns it away. I am the eldest and got praise from my parents as the overachiever, the top student, etc. There is an element of jealousy here.
BUT, she is very reluctant to learn to do well the things that she does on a daily basis. This is where her anger and defiance come in. For instance, I can cook much better than her. Rather than take the time to learn to cook better, she insists that I accept her cooking as is (the kids are making more headway here than I ever did). To insist that she cook better is anti-feminist.
Another example is the computers. She used to insist on using the technology but did not want to learn how or why the PCs and printers work as they do. She is getting better at this lately since she is required to use a laptop at her school. But I still have to fix a lot of small things that she could learn to do on her own. She keeps coming up with excuses why she cannot do so. So rather than be a truly self sufficient woman, as she likes to proclaim, she opens herself up to my complaints because of her shortcomings. Then she claims I am always criticizing her, which is not the case. But she hears it this way.
I think the difference between the praise I would get for my work and the lack of praise she would get because she refused to step up to the plate is what really drives her feeling of lack of validation. Also, my parents are here to praise me, hers are not. Even though my parents do praise her, it does not have the same impact on her. So I see there are some things I can do to praise her, but she must be open to accepting that praise, and there are things she can do to not be so defensive and to take measures to be more worthy of praise.
Quote: At times in the past I have had the feeling of there being almost a competition with her.
How does this manifest?
I know someone who is such a fount of negativism, that even when good things happen to him as a result of someone else, he's pi$$ed and resentful of the person who had been a conduit for the good thing. For ex., he recently purchased a vehicle but because of his sucky credit (entirely a result of his own poor choices) his interest rate was pegging 20+. He bitched about it one day, a relative overheard and mentioned that he might could help on that. So, the relative called a banker acquaintance, explained the situation and asked if he would consider a lower-interest loan. The bank did consider it, had the papers filled out and ready to sign and brought rate down so much that the monthly payments were $100 less per month.
Sounds like a recipe for happiness all around, however, Mr. Pi$$y was angry at the relative (for being able to call up and get him a better deal when he couldn't do it for himself) and he was angry at the banker (for doing it for the relative based on just a phone call).
I don’t have an example similar to yours for comparison. I would say it manifests more like jealousy and resentment, that I am so good, showing off, sucking up, etc. Rather than her finding anything positive in having a capable husband, she sees any praise of my abilities as a lack of validation of her abilities. It really is jealousy. But this would mean she wants-to-want, which is vulnerable, so she shuts that feeling down and instead focuses on negating my abilities, thus trying to pull me back to the same level as her.
I experience this as snide remarks later on how I am so “false” and “two faced” to my family or outsiders. This has not been as much a problem over the past year because I have asked my family to not visit us and I have not visited her family. I think the problem remains but is dormant for the moment since I have eliminated the spark to get this issue burning again.
As Mojo said on my old thread, what she really needs is lots of hugs and validation, and for me to completely ignore her attacks. But completely ignoring her attacks never worked in the past because she took that as license to control and dominate as she pleased. Giving validation for whatever she accomplishes is what I need to focus more on.
Gee, Lou... I finally saw this post... the reunion was fantastic! The women I went to high school with (Catholic girls school, 63 classmates, graduated 1966) are like trees that have reached full, vibrant, glowing maturity. I was dazzled by how beautiful everyone was, how confident, how accomplished, how spiritual, and especially how loving. The room was just vibrating with love... it was unbelievable and way exceeded my expectations. Several have written books, several are CEO's or head partners in their companies, many self-employed or own their own businesses. (Of course my bf WAS the best looking guy there- LOL! And he was a great date... very charming, talked to lots of people, didn't act bored, didn't keep looking at his watch or anything. )
Lou, I assure you, these women, though a couple of years shy of 60, are sexy, fun, radiant, and brimming over with Life Force! (BB's stuff about being "too old" is HER stuff-- NOT typical in my experience.)
I also wanted to bump my thread up to the top for the benefit of newcomers. There's some really good stuff here that I gleaned from many sources. Neanderthal, I think you'll find some of the stuff on control interesting. I may quote a bit of it on your thread.
Re: Lil: Lots of deep/serious theories being presented on several threads.
On another thread I read Here's some stuff I found on control-- kinda scary: and found it insightful that so many avoiding behaviors could be considered controlling.
Lou, I assure you, these women, though a couple of years shy of 60, are sexy, fun, radiant, and brimming over with Life Force! (BB's stuff about being "too old" is HER stuff-- NOT typical in my experience.) That is what I see too. Sixty is not as old now as it was in the 50's and early 60's when people did not take care of themselves as well.
I was dazzled by how beautiful everyone was, how confident, how accomplished, how spiritual, and especially how loving. The room was just vibrating with love... it was unbelievable and way exceeded my expectations. I head that when people used to go to reunions of the 10 year mark, some people were seeing who was making it and who was lagging.
When reunions were past the 35 year mark it was more about being glad to see old friends and cherishing them as long lost friends.
I never went to a class reunion, so I don't know much about them.
my bf WAS the best looking guy there- LOL! And he was a great date... very charming, talked to lots of people, didn't act bored, That is good to hear. I am glad he went with you.
Anyway, so many good things posted on the threads this A.M. You are a real asset to the forum Lil.
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