What I mean by my W needing validation is praise and compliments for what ever she does. At times in the past I have had the feeling of there being almost a competition with her. When I remodeled the upstairs attic in our previous house, putting in a bedroom and full bath, then landscaping the yard, building a gorgeous treehouse/playhouse for the kids, she would get jealous when friends and neighbors would compliment me. The same happened here with our present house when I built a treehouse/deck for the kids.
She never got the kind of praise from her dad that I think she wanted. I think her brothers got that, since they were boys. She says her mother did praise her for being independent and self sufficient, that her mother never had to worry about her, but her sister was always the “pretty” one. Consequently she tried to be more “male” and has a dislike for the traditional feminine roles, like homemaker and wife. She identifies with being a mother since she can justify the mother/child bonding as something “stupid” unemotional men cannot do. Her way of dealing with all this was more to pull me down than pump herself up.
It is also indicative of her damage since she definitely falls into the not wanting to want camp. Whenever she does get praise, she has a hard time accepting it. It makes her feel uncomfortable. So on one hand she wants praise and on the other hand she turns it away. I am the eldest and got praise from my parents as the overachiever, the top student, etc. There is an element of jealousy here.
BUT, she is very reluctant to learn to do well the things that she does on a daily basis. This is where her anger and defiance come in. For instance, I can cook much better than her. Rather than take the time to learn to cook better, she insists that I accept her cooking as is (the kids are making more headway here than I ever did). To insist that she cook better is anti-feminist.
Another example is the computers. She used to insist on using the technology but did not want to learn how or why the PCs and printers work as they do. She is getting better at this lately since she is required to use a laptop at her school. But I still have to fix a lot of small things that she could learn to do on her own. She keeps coming up with excuses why she cannot do so. So rather than be a truly self sufficient woman, as she likes to proclaim, she opens herself up to my complaints because of her shortcomings. Then she claims I am always criticizing her, which is not the case. But she hears it this way.
I think the difference between the praise I would get for my work and the lack of praise she would get because she refused to step up to the plate is what really drives her feeling of lack of validation. Also, my parents are here to praise me, hers are not. Even though my parents do praise her, it does not have the same impact on her. So I see there are some things I can do to praise her, but she must be open to accepting that praise, and there are things she can do to not be so defensive and to take measures to be more worthy of praise.
