Been out of town for a few days over the holidays, then trying to catch up a little.
I agree with you, but the problem I have had (and still have) is that too much of the not-jumping-into-the-pit tactic can quickly begin to feel like abandonment for me. That triggers my anxiety, especially since my W is prone to check out of the marriage at the drop of a hat. She is still reading Schnarch but understanding differentiation seems to be slowly sinking in with her (she said something about holding on to herself the other day). The part that I feel is lacking in this approach is the reward. She complains that I do not validate her enough (she still does not see how needy she is in this regard), so I can see giving praise is a reward that might give her the motivation to not withdraw into her divorce mentality.
Before, the only thing I could come up with was the integrity argument. Withdrawing was not fair play, it was not good for the kids, it was a power play, etc. This type of integrity argument goes nowhere with her since it implies there is something wrong with her. I did not think about giving rewards for not withdrawing. I can see rewards as a way to nicely sidestep the integrity argument, which is a pit in itself. I just need to keep telling myself "it's not this animal's fault." LOL!
