I think a lot of the HD women on this board are probably in similar situations. Even Mrs' HD seems to be the "receptive" type, asking HD to initiate. MOST women are probably like that. Again back to biology, no matter how "feministic" some females may be, when it comes to sexuality, an aggressive guy in the bedroom is always hotter than a passive one.
Quote: Interesting info about female sexuality. Sometimes I'm aggressive but more often than not, I'm more receptive female sexuality. Unfortunately, so is my H.
If estrogen causes receptive female sexuality and testosterone causes aggressive male sexuality and it is a scientific fact that estrogen can convert to testosterone in the body and vice versa then that can explain a lot of my problems (LOL). Estrogen is a bad drug mood-wise. It makes you weepy, cranky etc. Testosterone is a good drug mood-wise. It makes you feel positive and ambitious. Here is my totally pseudo-scientific theory. I have a lot of estorgen which makes me want to be f*cked. Nobody f*cks me. The estrogen builds up and I become more weepy and cranky. Finally, the estrogen reaches a level in my body that causes it to be converted to some testosterone. My mood improves. I become optimistic and ambitious. I think "Why am I crying because nobody is f*cking me. I'll just go initiate some sex!". I get rejected when I initiate sex. Now I have too much testosterone floating around so I get angry. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
by James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D
What is the need to fix?
The need to fix is: Compulsively driven behavior to rescue or help another person, place, or thing to be the way you believe it "should be.'' Seeing another person, place, or thing as "in need'' and the automatic response pattern to this message. Belief that, unless everything is "just right'' for another person, then that person can never fully be happy in life. Obsessive need to have every thing, person, and place "perfect'' or "correct'' in order for you to be comfortable enough to be relaxed and accepting of them. Inability to accept people, places, or things the way they are and the chronic attempt at changing them even if they are unchangeable. Acting on the belief that you have more knowledge than others as to what is good for them so you strive to correct their thinking to "see the light'' in your way. Inability to maintain emotional detachment from a person, place, or thing that is hurting or in trouble. You proceed to fix them even if this means that they are hindered from personal growth and accepting personal responsibility for their own actions. Inability to not give advice, suggestions, or offers of help, even when you know in doing so that it will hinder another person's growth and personal mastery in life. Interfering in business and personal affairs "to help'' people even when they haven't asked for your help or assistance. Drive to feel "needed'' or "wanted'' which leads you to become overly involved and overresponsible in your relationships with persons, places, and things. Result of a pattern of getting approval and recognition from others for "helping'' in the past with the belief that this is the only way you can have meaning in life. What are the negative effects of the compulsive need to fix?
If your compulsive need to control others by "fixing" them is not resolved, they you:
Run the risk of developing a series of relationships with people, places, or things who become overly dependent on you. Run the risk of becoming a caretaker to many with few people giving you the healthy emotional support you need to be a fully functioning and coping human. Will be unable to remain emotionally detached when you run across a person, place, or thing which appears "helpless.'' Experience people moving away from you if they no longer desire "to be fixed'' by your advice, solutions, or insights. Will never take care of your own needs because you will have successfully avoided focusing on self by diverting your focus to fixing others. Become guilt ridden if people, places, or things which you are trying "to fix'' don't get "fixed'' and instead get worse. Might tie your identity into the "fixer'' role and never be able to enjoy a truly healthy give and receive relationship with anyone. Will feign "wellness'' as a mask to convince others you have found the answers "to fix'' them and thus remain static or reverse in your personal emotional health. Will hand out a lot of "I owe you's'' to those you fix in hope they will be there for you when you need them, unfortunately forgetting that your only worth to them has been the fixing you perform and they will not "come through'' the way you hope they will in your time of need. Might be the one who does all the work in a relationship and, once you "stop the work,'' the relationship will die since you are no longer working at fixing it. Might become hostile, angry, rageful, or hateful to those whom you have "fixed'' if they do not give you enough recognition in return for your efforts. Might have successfully used everyone else's problems to divert your attention from yourself, the only one you have greatest odds of fixing because you can have control and change yourself best. Will increase in your low self-esteem as you lose yourself in "fixing'' others. How is the need to fix a control issue?
The need to fix is a control issue because:
It puts the "locus of control'' into your hands as the fixer rather than into the hands of those being fixed where it correctly belongs. If you are a "fix it'' person, you end up trying to control every situation, person, place, or thing to be "right'' or "perfect'' so that you can feel sane, safe, and in control. Fixing is taking over the responsibility of another person, place or thing and being sure that the outcome for them is positive and in accord with your mental picture or ideal of the "way things should be'' in your world. It robs people, places, and things of their freedom to be themselves because of your need to correct, change, or alter them to be the way you want them to be. Giving advice, offering solutions, and directing choices puts you in a "power'' and "controlling'' position over those things you are trying to fix. In your enthusiasm to help, you run the risk of using threats, coercion, or intimidation to get others to do what you believe will fix them. In your compulsive, addictive, or obsessive need to fix, you might be taking on uncontrollable and unchangeable things which burn you out and leave you in need of being "fixed.'' The sense of over-responsibility which leads you to need to fix others is a "de-powering'' of the others to take responsibility for themselves; it puts the onus of accountability on you if the solutions do not succeed. It also puts the recognition for their success on you rather than on those you are fixing. "Addicted fixers'' do not allow those whom they are trying to fix to become independent or to think and try things out on their own and create over-dependency on themselves to make things right. Being a "fixer'' is a powerful position which gives you a sense of importance, being special, and a reason for being. Those being "fixed'' often feel "out of control'' in terms of what is happening in their lives and can become dependent on you the fixer to "do for them'' rather than to "do for themselves.'' Although "fixing'' looks altruistic, it is really a sef-centered behavior because the outcome is not so much for the other's benefit but to make you feel good, relaxed, at peace in that things are the way they "should be.'' What irrational thinking leads to the need to fix?
Examples of irrational thinking which leads you to the need to fix other people, places, or things are:
When you have the resources materially, emotionally, intellectually, and energy-wise, you should always be ready to share these with others less fortunate than you whom you perceive to be in need of help and assistance. You should never stand by and not get involved when you see someone hurting and in need. You are rewarded in so many ways for the sacrifices you make to help others and it is a straight path to heaven if you give to others without any hesitation. You should give insights from your life experiences whenever you find someone in a similar situation. You should never wait for a person to ask for help since so many people are shy when it comes to admitting they don't know what to do with their lives. You must die to self if you are to gain eternal reward. To be focused only on solving your own problems is so selfish. Therefore, you are sure to gain a higher eternal reward if you dedicate your life to helping others no matter what are the physical or emotional costs to yourself. It is impossible to ignore a plea for help especially when it comes from someone who is obviously "helpless.'' It is a real sign of your personal growth that, after a time in recovery, you can have the insights, answers, solutions, and clarity of direction for everyone with whom you come in contact. You can burn yourself out just focused on your own personal growth so to revitalize yourself you should get involved with other people's problems to give you a better perspective on your own problems. What will others think of you if you don't offer help to someone who is obviously in need? Your meaning and purpose in life will be threatened if you are not needed to fix, rescue, or help someone. Being a "fixer'' is not something which you want to avoid being because it is the only way you have ever gotten people to recognize and to accept you. Ways to overcome compulsive fixing
In order to overcome being a compulsive "fixer" you need to:
Accept the belief that others must accept personal responsibility for their own lives and actions. Recognize that being a "fixer'' is a way to control others. It places the responsibility for the other's actions on you, which is not where it belongs. Establish a healthy emotional boundary between you and those whom you desire to fix. Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need is emotional support and understanding of their feelings concerning a problem rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions. Establish healthy emotional detachment from the persons, places, things whom you feel driven to "fix". Find your reinforcement, strokes, or "warm fuzzies'' from within yourself and not get "hooked'' on the need for approval or recognition from others for what you do for them. Accept that in "helping'' another the goal and purpose is to help the other to help himself. Recognize that "doing for'' another is not helping another get strong, healthy, or independent. Recognize when the compulsion "to fix'' arises so that you can use rational thinking and feeling to develop strategies of helping which leave the others free to "fix'' themselves. Accept that you can only fix one person, namely yourself, and that all others must be responsible for "fixing'' themselves. Give permission to the people in your life to call you on it or to confront you when you are caught up in the need to "fix'' them. Gain support from your support network as you let go of the people, places, and things you feel compelled to fix. Recognize that the only way you can get significant others to recognize that they need help is to be "squeaky clean and healthy'' in your relationship with them. Accept that your fantasy or dream of how others would be if they changed is your fantasy and dream and not necessarily theirs. Identify that, if another has a problem, then they have to own it if they are ever going to fix it and that, if you try to fix the problem, then you are taking on ownership of the problem as your own. Accept that, when a problem exists in your relationship with another, both parties must work on it to fix it if they are to come to a compromise and healthy "win win'' resolution. Identify that obligation and over-responsibility are not healthy enough reasons to keep you in a "fixer'' posture with others. Realize that guilt as a motivator to keep you hooked into a "fixer-fixee'' relationship is unhealthy for you and the other. Steps to overcome the "fixer" role
Step 1: In your journal, you first need to list and identify all persons, places, and things with whom you are a ``fixer.''
A. The people I feel a need to "fix'' are: B. The places I feel a need to "fix'' are: C. The things I feel a need to "fix'' are:
Step 2: For each person, place, or thing identify the following:
A. What are the issues that need fixing? B. For whom are these issues a problem? Are they a problem for you, a problem for the other, or a problem for both of you? C. How openly has the other admitted these issues are problems and how have they asked for your help to ``fix'' them? D. How has the other tried to take steps to solve or "fix'' these problems on their own? How successful have they been?
Step 3: You next need to identify what are the "hooks'' in your relationship with each person, place, or thing that keep you in your addicted fixer role. For each person, place, or thing you identified in Step 1 now identify which of these twenty hooks exist for you and put an X next to it..
Emotional Hooks Self Assessment ___ ( 1) Your sense of guilt if they should get worse ___ ( 2) Your sense of over-responsibility ___ ( 3) Your sense of obligation ___ ( 4) Your fantasy of a change in the relationship ___ ( 5) Fear of losing them ___ ( 6) Your need to be needed ___ ( 7) Your need to control others ___ ( 8) Your fear of going insane if they don't change ___ ( 9) Your overemotional enmeshment or attachment with them ___ (10) Your need for approval and recognition ___ (11) Your need to be seen as a "helper'' who does good for others ___ (12) A martyr complex. This is your role in life to clean up the messes which others make in your life ___ (13) A sense that they can't do it without you ___ (14) A way of keeping the focus off your needs by keeping the spotlight on help of others ___ (15) The others don't recognize that you are an addicted fixer with them ___ (16) Your own low self-esteem and unhealthy way of thinking, feeling, and acting ___ (17) Your inability to emotionally detach from others who are in a toxic relationship with you ___ (18) Your competitive need to look more knowledgeable, wiser, and more "together'' than the other ___ (19) Your need to ensure that your current life is not as dysfunctional as your past life was ___ (20) Your "pride'' that only you can correct or fix things for others
Step 4: Once you identify the "hooks'' in the relationship with each person, place, and thing for whom you are an addicted fixer, then you need to develop rational, healthy alternative beliefs which allow you to "let go'' of the need to "fix'' them.
Step 5: You then need to get support from your own network of support to "let go'' of the need to "fix'' these persons, places, and things.
Step 6: You need to give back to each person, place, and thing the responsibility for their own actions and solutions to their problems.
Step 7: You need to seek your Higher Power's strength as you cease your "fixer'' role in the lives of these persons, places, and things.
Step 8: If you find yourself relapsing into the "fixer'' role again with any person, place, or thing, then return to Step 1 and begin again.
Interesting. I would say that I have mixed tendencies in terms of being a "fixer". The fact that I'm a first-born and had a neglectful mother make me more of a fixer but my innate Type 7 ishness makes me less of a fixer. My Type 4 sister is a big time fixer. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and then tries to unburden through artistic expression. The metal band she was in had some of its tracks listed on a website under the title "Music to Listen to When You Are Depressed.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo, the fact that you are trying so earnestly to fix your R makes you the epitome of a Fixer. You are jumping through impossible hoops to fix the R so you can get enough sex. I'm not saying the R doesn't need fixing-- that's beside the point. The point is that Fixers attract situations that need fixing and then spend their lives in the Fixing Dance. You're in good company-- most, if not all, of us on this board are in the same boat.
Imagine... what would life be like in a R that didn't need "fixing"-- don't get me wrong: I'm not saying there is such a thing as a perfect relationship. I'm not that naive.
But think of a car... an ordinary normal car needs gasoline, oil, window washer fluid, air in the tires, occasional vacuuming-- sometimes after many miles (my Saturn has 240,000 miles on it-- y'all knew I was the type of person to drive a Saturn, right?) parts need to be replaced like the battery, water pump, even the engine. Or maybe it needs a paint job or new upholstery. That's normal maintenance.
And then there's the Fixer... when you get in in the morning, you NEVER know if it's going to start. You think it's the battery. You replace that. It starts for a few days and then it doesn't. You replace the starter. That works for a while. You pour money into it. You love the car. You're sentimentally attached to it. You coddle it. But it is unreliable. You always hope the next "fix" will be the last... but it never is. Still you hope. See what I mean?
Did you really read that article and only see yourself there partially? Wow.
IMHO both you and your H are consumed with the need to fix each other. Check out this part again:
Quote: In order to overcome being a compulsive "fixer" you need to:
Accept the belief that others must accept personal responsibility for their own lives and actions.
Recognize that being a "fixer'' is a way to control others. It places the responsibility for the other's actions on you, which is not where it belongs.
Establish a healthy emotional boundary between you and those whom you desire to fix.
Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need is emotional support and understanding of their feelings concerning a problem rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions.
Establish healthy emotional detachment from the persons, places, things whom you feel driven to "fix".
Find your reinforcement, strokes, or "warm fuzzies'' from within yourself and not get "hooked'' on the need for approval or recognition from others for what you do for them.
Accept that in "helping'' another the goal and purpose is to help the other to help himself.
Recognize that "doing for'' another is not helping another get strong, healthy, or independent.
Recognize when the compulsion "to fix'' arises so that you can use rational thinking and feeling to develop strategies of helping which leave the others free to "fix'' themselves.
Accept that you can only fix one person, namely yourself, and that all others must be responsible for "fixing'' themselves.
Give permission to the people in your life to call you on it or to confront you when you are caught up in the need to "fix'' them.
Gain support from your support network as you let go of the people, places, and things you feel compelled to fix.
Recognize that the only way you can get significant others to recognize that they need help is to be "squeaky clean and healthy'' in your relationship with them.
Accept that your fantasy or dream of how others would be if they changed is your fantasy and dream and not necessarily theirs.
Identify that, if another has a problem, then they have to own it if they are ever going to fix it and that, if you try to fix the problem, then you are taking on ownership of the problem as your own.
Accept that, when a problem exists in your relationship with another, both parties must work on it to fix it if they are to come to a compromise and healthy "win win'' resolution.
Identify that obligation and over-responsibility are not healthy enough reasons to keep you in a "fixer'' posture with others.
Realize that guilt as a motivator to keep you hooked into a "fixer-fixee'' relationship is unhealthy for you and the other.
BTW, lest you think I am looking down on you from some high horse...I promise you I'm not. I saw myself EVERYWHERE in this list.
When I first read that article, I freaked out. You mean it's not SUPPOSED to be this way? Holy cow! This describes every relationship I've ever been in!
This paragraph
Quote: Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need is emotional support and understanding of their feelings concerning a problem rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions.
describes why alanon is so good. Because there all you do (if you care to speak up at all) is talk about what's going on with you. No one else is allowed to speak directly to you or offer you any advice or even to comment on what you said except to say thank you for sharing.
At first that seems soooo weird-- I mean, don't you go to others for advice? I think I remember Lou saying one time that he went to a meeting and was put off by the fact that you couldn't get any advice or solutions there. But the philosophy of the 12-Step programs is that the wisdom is inside you and when you get ready to grow and change, your higher power (God, soul, universal energy, etc.) will work in you and through you and all you need from outside is emotional support and a safe space in which to BE.
This board kind of runs counter to that... but I still enjoy giving advice and hearing advice. Thought provoking stuff.
That fixing stuff came originally from here: http://www.coping.org/ , a site with a TON of information...
Omigod, reading on that site... I am a martyr. Yikes... this is truly creepy... my mother's name is Margaret, and my father used to sometimes call her "Martyr Jones" because she was always so mopey and unhappy... holy cr@p... I am my mother
Quote: Ten differences between being a martyr or a victim:
1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation. Victims are people who are taken advantage of but are unaware of being treated as such. Once victims recognize that they are being treated unfairly, they have the choice of remaining in the situation or not. If they stay, they risk becoming martyrs.
2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way. Victims are individuals whose rights are ignored and abused but were unaware that they would be treated in this manner before they entered the situation.
3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position. Victims are people who let others know they have been treated unfairly. They have the chance to leave or change the situation in which they have been victimized. Victims often suffer silently for long periods of time before they are able to verbalize the unfairness of their life situations.
4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This ``setting up'' is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy. Victims often unknowingly set themselves up for continued abuse and violation of their rights. They are often confused and bewildered as to why this occurs. They lack insight into the actions that bring on this abuse.
5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice, and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it. Victims frequently never seek help. They are often frustrated and lost as to what needs to be done to get them out of their current situation. Once victims have been offered help and make a conscious choice to remain stuck in their situation, they become martyrs.
6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing, and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them. Victims rarely let the people who are taking advantage of them know how they feel about this treatment.
7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated, or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives. Victims often want a change and are desperate for a solution to their situation. As soon as a victim gives in to a situation, choosing not to resolve or correct it, they become martyrs. The saying, ``If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem,'' applies to the martyr's state in life.
8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypic and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to them. Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help, and are more apt to get out of the situation. If after getting help and changing, victims experience the same problems later, they could be martyrs at that time.
9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change. Victims usually are open and honest about their discomfort and willingly seek behavioral change. Their sincerity is easily perceived by others due to the actions and behavioral changes that take place.
10. Martyrs are ``professional'' help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants, anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice, or direction they are given. This frequently results in their ``helpers'' giving up on them in frustration and discouragement. Victims, on the other hand, seek help in a ``crisis'' only after the pressure of their problems becomes too great for them to bear. They are highly motivated for a ``change'' and are rewarding people to work with as they and their helpers witness the benefits of the help, advice, and direction given.
Quote: How can you recognize intimacy in a relationship? The following ten statements describe intimate relationships:
1. Continuous, honest communication and contact with one another exists even if the contact is not in person but is by phone, mail, or some other form.
2. A mutual task to carry out at home, school, or on a job is willingly shared, discussed, and enjoyed together.
3. An affinity or attraction to one another exists to the exclusion of others.
4. The company of one another is sought even when you both have a wide selection of other individuals from which to choose.
5. A sixth sense, ESP, or other extra perceptual facility develops with which you can communicate at a nonverbal level, with no need for words to clutter or detract from the communication.
6. A sense of humor, sense of play and casualness develops in which you enjoy ``give and take'' and are relaxed in each other's company.
7. A protective sense of privacy and guardedness about your relationship exists; it is not subjected to public scrutiny, criticism, or judgment.
8. The relationship is a productive enterprise resulting in mutual satisfaction, reward, and reinforcement for each other.
9. The relationship has a purpose, direction, and order to it that is reasonable, realistic, and healthy for both of you.
10. A firm commitment, agreement, or contract exists with each other to be mutually supportive, understanding, and accepting of one another.
Obstacles to establishing intimacy in a relationship
The following behavior patterns or feelings are barriers to establishing healthy intimacy in a relationship:
Inability to develop trust in one another
Chronic sense of insecurity
Fear of failure
Fear of being vulnerable to being hurt or subjected to pain
Inability to take a risk
Inability to let go of hurts and fears from previous relationships
Lack of role models for healthy intimacy
Inability to recognize or accept one's own problem in handling intimacy
Inability to control the impact of anger, hostility, or resentment in the relationship
Fear of losing the other in death or some other calamity
Fear of being successful in the attainment of intimacy
Inability to accept one's own responsibility in developing intimacy in the relationship
Inability to handle conflict within the relationship
Poor problem solving between the partners
Fear of loss of approval; fear of rejection
Chronic defensiveness
Over aggressiveness or passivity between the parties
Power struggles between the parties for control of the relationship
Competition between the parties
Poor communication
Blaming each other for problems in the relationship
Fear of being too exposed or being found out for whom you ``really are''
Fear of claustrophobia or being smothered in the relationship
Desire to be left alone, isolated, and ignored
Mental or physical health problems that impede the relationship's growth
Fear that the relationship will become sexual in nature (especially if the parties are not married)
Fear of loss of identity
Inability to show affection, tenderness, or caring
Inability to be open, honest, and forthright
Being in denial about needing help
If the parties are married or are sexual partners, other obstacles include:
Fear of sexual intercourse
Fear of impotency, premature ejaculation, or no ejaculation
Physically based sexual problems
Lack of candor, openness, or honesty concerning sexuality
Unwillingness to be creative, explorative, or imaginative sexually
Embarrassment with one another in the sexual arena
Poor body image and discomfort with nudity
Hang ups due to moral, religious, or value beliefs
