Mojo, the fact that you are trying so earnestly to fix your R makes you the epitome of a Fixer. You are jumping through impossible hoops to fix the R so you can get enough sex. I'm not saying the R doesn't need fixing-- that's beside the point. The point is that Fixers attract situations that need fixing and then spend their lives in the Fixing Dance. You're in good company-- most, if not all, of us on this board are in the same boat.
Imagine... what would life be like in a R that didn't need "fixing"-- don't get me wrong: I'm not saying there is such a thing as a perfect relationship. I'm not that naive.
But think of a car... an ordinary normal car needs gasoline, oil, window washer fluid, air in the tires, occasional vacuuming-- sometimes after many miles (my Saturn has 240,000 miles on it-- y'all knew I was the type of person to drive a Saturn, right?) parts need to be replaced like the battery, water pump, even the engine. Or maybe it needs a paint job or new upholstery. That's normal maintenance.
And then there's the Fixer... when you get in in the morning, you NEVER know if it's going to start. You think it's the battery. You replace that. It starts for a few days and then it doesn't. You replace the starter. That works for a while. You pour money into it. You love the car. You're sentimentally attached to it. You coddle it. But it is unreliable. You always hope the next "fix" will be the last... but it never is. Still you hope. See what I mean?
Did you really read that article and only see yourself there partially? Wow.
IMHO both you and your H are consumed with the need to fix each other. Check out this part again:
Quote: In order to overcome being a compulsive "fixer" you need to:
Accept the belief that others must accept personal responsibility for their own lives and actions.
Recognize that being a "fixer'' is a way to control others. It places the responsibility for the other's actions on you, which is not where it belongs.
Establish a healthy emotional boundary between you and those whom you desire to fix.
Develop a philosophy of "helping'' which emphasizes that what people need is emotional support and understanding of their feelings concerning a problem rather than advice, direction, suggestions, or "content'' solutions.
Establish healthy emotional detachment from the persons, places, things whom you feel driven to "fix".
Find your reinforcement, strokes, or "warm fuzzies'' from within yourself and not get "hooked'' on the need for approval or recognition from others for what you do for them.
Accept that in "helping'' another the goal and purpose is to help the other to help himself.
Recognize that "doing for'' another is not helping another get strong, healthy, or independent.
Recognize when the compulsion "to fix'' arises so that you can use rational thinking and feeling to develop strategies of helping which leave the others free to "fix'' themselves.
Accept that you can only fix one person, namely yourself, and that all others must be responsible for "fixing'' themselves.
Give permission to the people in your life to call you on it or to confront you when you are caught up in the need to "fix'' them.
Gain support from your support network as you let go of the people, places, and things you feel compelled to fix.
Recognize that the only way you can get significant others to recognize that they need help is to be "squeaky clean and healthy'' in your relationship with them.
Accept that your fantasy or dream of how others would be if they changed is your fantasy and dream and not necessarily theirs.
Identify that, if another has a problem, then they have to own it if they are ever going to fix it and that, if you try to fix the problem, then you are taking on ownership of the problem as your own.
Accept that, when a problem exists in your relationship with another, both parties must work on it to fix it if they are to come to a compromise and healthy "win win'' resolution.
Identify that obligation and over-responsibility are not healthy enough reasons to keep you in a "fixer'' posture with others.
Realize that guilt as a motivator to keep you hooked into a "fixer-fixee'' relationship is unhealthy for you and the other.
BTW, lest you think I am looking down on you from some high horse...I promise you I'm not. I saw myself EVERYWHERE in this list.
